I feel like body image is such a weird thing for me. It's something that I struggle with, but I sometimes am not sure what to do with it. On one hand I'm super confident in who I am, and on another hand I am very insecure in my body. It's weird.
I've never owned a scale. Ever. I'm about to buy my first one today. I am also not so sure what I think about the fact that I'm actually going to go and buy one. I've lived 34 years without one, and now all of a sudden I want one.
I promised Aaron that if at any point he thought it was controlling me he could take it away, no questions asked. I DO NOT want to be controlled by a scale. I've always been that person that doesn't care what the scale says as long as I was happy. Well, that's easier to say when the scale's number is one you like. When it starts creeping up into digits you have never seen before it's harder to say that you don't care about the number anymore.
Here's the line that's hard for me to find in this whole weight thing. I want to be happy in who I am and in who God created me. I also want to be healthy. I also want to enjoy life and food. I also want to look good. I also want to not be concerned with image. I also am concerned with my image.
Do you see the problem here? I want to say with confidence that I'm happy not because of a look that I have, but because of Jesus in my life and that he loves me no matter what. On the flip side, I also want to be able to say that I do take care of my body and I don't eat to fulfill an emotional void that I'm scared to bring to Jesus.
I know my weaknesses. In the past 5 years I've gained 15 lbs, and no this isn't baby weight because the last time I had a baby was almost 9 years ago (tears are dropping because my baby is almost 9!). This is plain ole life weight gain. Emotional eating. Suffering. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Lack of control.
So, I know my problem with food is what it does for me. It makes me happy. If I'm sad, I can stuff my face for 5 minutes as fast as I can with chips, salsa and feta cheese and for a few minutes I feel good. Then I feel gross. The grossness always comes, and yet the next time I'm sad I do it all over again. Reminds me of so many times when Paul talks about how he knows what is right, but he still does what is wrong. I hate it.
It's not good and I know it. I also know what it's doing to my body.
So, I'm going to say that yes I want to lose weight and here are my reasons.
– I want to look better. Is this okay to say? Why do I feel guilty for saying this?
– I want to feel better. The extra weight has gone places that don't feel good with it.
– I want to be able to control my emotions without running to food. Chips, feta and salsa are not my comfort. Jesus is. It's about time I start running to him in those moments.
– I lack discipline in so many areas of my life. I would really like to commit to something and finish strong. It's hard for me. I jump ship really easily when times are hard.
So, if you've been reading about my upcoming food challenge, or seeing my pictures on Facebook or instagram and wonder why I'm on a diet, which I hate that word by the way, this is why. I struggle with controlling my eating. There, I said it. It's a gross sin pattern and I'm trying to figure out how to tackle it, because right now I'm clueless. I only know that I want to control it. I want to take this struggle, and all the ones that are a part of it, because I'm thinking this list is gonna get pretty long over the next 6 weeks, and bring them to God. I want to literally lay my emotional eating at the cross. Jesus died for me and for my lack of control in this area of my life.