I feel like body image is such a weird thing for me. It's something that I struggle with, but I sometimes am not sure what to do with it. On one hand I'm super confident in who I am, and on another hand I am very insecure in my body. It's weird.
I've never owned a scale. Ever. I'm about to buy my first one today. I am also not so sure what I think about the fact that I'm actually going to go and buy one. I've lived 34 years without one, and now all of a sudden I want one.
I promised Aaron that if at any point he thought it was controlling me he could take it away, no questions asked. I DO NOT want to be controlled by a scale. I've always been that person that doesn't care what the scale says as long as I was happy. Well, that's easier to say when the scale's number is one you like. When it starts creeping up into digits you have never seen before it's harder to say that you don't care about the number anymore.
Here's the line that's hard for me to find in this whole weight thing. I want to be happy in who I am and in who God created me. I also want to be healthy. I also want to enjoy life and food. I also want to look good. I also want to not be concerned with image. I also am concerned with my image.
Do you see the problem here? I want to say with confidence that I'm happy not because of a look that I have, but because of Jesus in my life and that he loves me no matter what. On the flip side, I also want to be able to say that I do take care of my body and I don't eat to fulfill an emotional void that I'm scared to bring to Jesus.
I know my weaknesses. In the past 5 years I've gained 15 lbs, and no this isn't baby weight because the last time I had a baby was almost 9 years ago (tears are dropping because my baby is almost 9!). This is plain ole life weight gain. Emotional eating. Suffering. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Lack of control.
So, I know my problem with food is what it does for me. It makes me happy. If I'm sad, I can stuff my face for 5 minutes as fast as I can with chips, salsa and feta cheese and for a few minutes I feel good. Then I feel gross. The grossness always comes, and yet the next time I'm sad I do it all over again. Reminds me of so many times when Paul talks about how he knows what is right, but he still does what is wrong. I hate it.
It's not good and I know it. I also know what it's doing to my body.
So, I'm going to say that yes I want to lose weight and here are my reasons.
– I want to look better. Is this okay to say? Why do I feel guilty for saying this?
– I want to feel better. The extra weight has gone places that don't feel good with it.
– I want to be able to control my emotions without running to food. Chips, feta and salsa are not my comfort. Jesus is. It's about time I start running to him in those moments.
– I lack discipline in so many areas of my life. I would really like to commit to something and finish strong. It's hard for me. I jump ship really easily when times are hard.
So, if you've been reading about my upcoming food challenge, or seeing my pictures on Facebook or instagram and wonder why I'm on a diet, which I hate that word by the way, this is why. I struggle with controlling my eating. There, I said it. It's a gross sin pattern and I'm trying to figure out how to tackle it, because right now I'm clueless. I only know that I want to control it. I want to take this struggle, and all the ones that are a part of it, because I'm thinking this list is gonna get pretty long over the next 6 weeks, and bring them to God. I want to literally lay my emotional eating at the cross. Jesus died for me and for my lack of control in this area of my life.
Jamie, two years ago I decided to do something focused about the “baby weight” that never went away. I joined Weight Watchers because I needed real definite guidelines to help me…that’s my personality. I couldn’t believe how successful I was. I felt so strong in my body and in my spirit because I learned how to say no to the comfort eating I’d been doing. That was so amazing, to simply say no and be okay. I lost 20 pounds and felt fantastic in my skin for the first time in forever. It was the first, and maybe the only “diet” I’ll ever do, but it totally realigned me with what was healthy for me, and how to do that in an ongoing way. Go for it! I’ll be cheering you on!
Thanks for sharing this. It’s exactly the same struggle I’ve been having with myself, my body, and my God the last few years. I am in this with you.
Hi Jamie!! So proud of you for wanting to surrender this to The Lord! One word about the scale…give yourself about 6 pounds to fluctuate with thought each month. I had anorexia years ago and worked with a nutritionist and leaned women’s bodies are extremely variable with water weight, cycles, etc. so…if one day you suddenly weigh pounds more than you did the previous day, don’t freak out. 🙂 May even be worth talking with a nutritionist for a session or so so you can underst and what to expect with your specific body. For what it’s worth…
Love ya!!!
Hi Jamie!! So proud of you for wanting to surrender this to The Lord! One word about the scale…give yourself about 6 pounds to fluctuate with through each month. I had anorexia years ago and worked with a nutritionist and learned women’s bodies are extremely variable with water weight, cycles, etc. so…if one day you suddenly weigh pounds more than you did the previous day, don’t freak out. 🙂 May even be worth talking with a nutritionist for a session or so so you can understand what to expect with your specific body. For what it’s worth…
Love ya!!!
Jamie, I resonate so much with what you’ve said here! I’ve been working thru emotional dependence on food, too, and its amazing to feel those chains break. You can do it girl!
My husband and I started the 4HB plan a couple months ago and have loved it! We’re also on Advocare products that help all-round. A word on the scale: don’t forget to measure your all over inches. The scale won’t show how much muscle you’ve gained or fat lost, but inches will!
Thanks Anna – yes I took measurements! Not fun, but I did it. 🙂
girl. not “drinking your calories” is a HUGE factor in maintaining a healthy weight for me. also a huge factor in how i feel. lots and lots and lots and lots of water. 🙂 you can do this!
I could have written this myself. Emotional eating, not wanting the scale to dictate your life, you name it. But I need that check with the scale to keep me on track before it gets to the point where I see it in the way my clothes fit.
I lost about 10 pounds in the late summer/early fall, and it felt awesome. I was smaller than I had been even before kids. Then the holidays happened. I’m not saying diet, I’m just trying to get back to healthy eating, which for me means lots of hearty salads and very minimal carbs, because car s stick to my middle like white on rice.
Wanting to be healthy, feel good, and feel good about how you look are very smart reasons for dieting. I wish you success — it looks like you are off to a smart start.
🙂
Traci
Thanks ginger! Good thing for me this slow carb plan allows red wine. Although that doesn’t mean you should drink it by the gallon every night, but at least I still get that. 🙂 I have drank so much water today. I feel so good when I drink water. I’m also not as hungry when I’m drinking lots of water.
LeighAnn I love that … “carbs stick to my middle like white on rice” … me too girl!
I enjoyed this post! I can relate!
Jamie,
I can really relate to this post too. This is an area of my life that
Needs to be completely surrendered to Jesus but I always seem
To take it back. There is a good book on this called Made to Crave which is
by Lysa TerKeurst and there is a devotional in the YouVersion Bible app too.
This is the description for the devotional below.
Thanks for sharing so candidly
Shellie
Made to Crave: 21 Day Challenge
Has food become more about frustration than fulfillment? Made to Crave is the missing link between a woman’s desire to be healthy and the spiritual empowerment necessary to make that happen. In this 21-day challenge, you will be equipped with scripture and brief devotionals, helping you take your next step today.
We would like to thank Lysa TerKeurst for providing this plan. For more information, please visit: http://www.madetocrave.org
Shellie I’m actually doing that 21 day devotional right now! I’m one week in! It is so good and honestly one of the things that’s getting me through this! This is the first time I feel good when changing things about eating!