Waiting rooms allow you to read. Deacon watched 2 hours of the disney channel and I read my bible and a book called WEDNESDAYS WERE PRETTY NORMAL by Michael Kelley today as we waited for his surgery to begin. Two hours we waited. At the time I was completely annoyed with the wait, but those feelings faded quickly as the doctor talked to me after the surgery.
We knew going in to this surgery that he was going in just for a look. If he saw something he would remove it, but if he saw nothing, then he would do nothing! We have prayed for there to be NO BUMPS, and for the doctor to have nothing to do. I'm gonna be honest here for just a second …. I struggle big time with something. I struggle with the fear of asking God for something. Like asking him to heal Deacon. YES I want that more than anything else in the world, but I also know that God is in charge and has a plan laid out. So, sometimes I feel as though my asking is silly, or a waste of my time and his time. Yet there are the verses that tell me to ask and I still struggle with it. (John 16:24, John 15:16) I think it's my faith that's supposed to be increased. Most days I feel like the father in Mark 9 that screams out “I believe; help my unbelief!” That's my cry.
Anyhow, that's not the point of this post, just something I'm struggling with on the side. Today as we were waiting for Deacon to go back he drew a picture for his doctor just like he does each time. This one is super sweet. It's Deacon & his doctor jumping on the trampoline. You see the doctor with his light on his head and Deacon's big afro curls!
Today as I was sitting in the room waiting on Deacon I was drawn back to the thought of “why Deacon?”. Why my child? Why our lives in hospital rooms? Why has my son had seven surgeries in the past 2 years? Why? Why? Why?
It was at that point that I recalled what I had read in this book just two days earlier. Michael's book is about his son being diagnosed with cancer at age 2 and their journey through those days. So far I have resonated with his words and thoughts on so many levels and I have never had a child with cancer. I have waited for over 2 years for my child to come home, and I do have a child with a disease that may or may not come back. I have thought of friends that are struggling and have struggled. My friends that are in the midst of an adoption and are struggling to get through the hoops that they must jump through to get their paperwork moving. That leads me to say, “why God? Why can't this boy come home?”.
I want to quote a few things from this book I'm reading. I pray that they will minister to you the way they have ministered to me today.
“If we really want to start down the road of asking “why”, let's not sell ourselves short of following it all the way to the end. At the end there's God. He's the one in control. He's the only being in the universe that is sovereign. He's the beginning and the end of all things, including our laments.”
I do believe this with all my heart. I believe that God's in control. I believe that he has a plan. I believe that he makes things happen to bring glory to himself. I can write all that so easily, but it's when I'm in the waiting room waiting on results from my sons surgery that these moments are harder to say that I truly believe.
“it's a journey of trying to embrace the fact that god is our refuge but not a comfortable one to hold on to. It's a journey of realizing that He is our safe place, and yet He is not safe at all. It's a journey of realizing more and more of what it means to walk deeply with God and all the doubt, fear, anxiety, peace, and joy that come with it and how those things can possibly coexist together. “
My favorite line in that last quote is …. “realizing more and more what it means to walk deeply with God AND all the doubt, fear, anxiety, peace, and joy that come with it and how those things can possibly coexist together.” Oh my eyes are full of tears after reading that. I want to live in the midst of ALL of those things and know that they can coexist together because of the hand of God in my life.
Today as I read about the journey that the Kelley family was on with their child and chemotherapy I was broken for the fact that sometimes I forget that God is in all of this. He is in Deacon's disease. He was in Amos' long wait to come home. He is in the Stewart's journey to their son. He is in it all. I may go my whole life and never understand why God planned for our kids to wait in Haiti for 2.5 years while we yearned for them, but I do know this (and believe this) he knows what is right, does what is right, and will do all things to bring him glory. I'm choosing to rest in this tonight.
As I sat there in the room waiting for word from the doctor I kept asking myself how I would feel if he came in and told me that he had indeed removed some bumps and we were going to do another surgery in 2 months. That would have been completely normal. I also wondered what I would feel if he came in and told me that there were no bumps and we were clear. We were free of this (for now) awful disease that is so unpredictable.
I wondered if I would give God the same praise and glory no matter what the doctor said. I said I would. I hope that is true.
The doctor came in with a huge smile on his face and told me that he had found NOTHING. Not one bump in his throat. NOTHING. God had healed him. The doctor hugged me and I thanked him and praised God for this amazing miracle.
I immediately began the ugly cry and the nurse literally tried to remind me that this was good news. I shook my head and snot poured out of my nose and somehow muttered that I knew it was good and I was so happy and thankful that he found nothing. I called Aaron and I'm certain that at first Aaron thought it was bad news because I couldn't talk through the tears. It was a joy to tell him that they found nothing. There were no bumps!
Tonight as I go to bed I'm so very thankful for this reality. We have no need to see the doctor unless symptoms arise. Of course I'll always wonder if his voice is different or if he's having trouble breathing, but tonight I'm resting in the reality that the doctor sees no reason to see him any time soon! My baby is free of bumps! I'm also praying tonight and giving God the glory for this and I've actually said many times, no matter what the outcome would have been I would have still praised God.
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name