Recently I had one of those days where I was dragging. I was feeling alone and miserable. I slept on the couch for about 2 hours in the afternoon and oh yes my kids were in the room watching tv while I was in and out of a deep sleep. I was pawning out quarters to anyone that would comb my hair for 10 minutes at a time. 🙂 I know you are laughing because you have done the same thing!
Warning: If you are one of the 3 guys that read my blog I'm warning you this is about “girly stuff” and you might want to go on to the next blog that you read but don't tell anyone you read.
This day brought me so down because I was convinced I was pregnant. If you know me well you know that before I was on birth control I used to always think I was pregnant. Every single month I would call my friend Amy and tell her that I thought I was pregnant. I'm sure she never believed me, because literally it was every month.
Now I start my period on the same day each month at the same time of the day, so I'm pretty confident of when it's coming. I love that.
This is where I got so depressed. You see my period didn't show up that day and I just knew I was pregnant. I had a due date already planned out and for the love I even picked out a girl name. Claire Ivey. That's a good name isn't it? Has a good ring and goes with Story well. I had the whole next 9 months of my life planned out. Gosh I even checked Aaron's calendar to make sure he was home when our baby would be arriving.
You see, I'm looney!
So as I laid on the couch that day here were my thoughts ……
- I can't be pregnant. I will lose my mind if I'm pregnant.
- Gosh I feel guilty for feeling that way. I have friends that would cut off their left arm to be pregnant. What a jerk I am.
- Oh my word how will I tell Aaron.
- We don't have room in our house for another kid.
- Sure we do ….
- I don't want to put on 50 lbs.
- I won't put on 50 lbs this time. i won't. i won't. i promise i won't.
- I just started training for a half.
- I'll be one of those cute pregnant ladies running.
- Oh I already feel fat.
- I think I'm showing.
- Shut up Jamie you are crazy!
- Wait a few days and then we'll know for sure
Do you guys see how crazy I am!
So here's the deal ….. I am more content in my family that I have ever been in my whole marriage. If you would have asked my last year around this time if I thought four was our final number I would have shrugged, looked around for Aaron and then said in a whisper to make sure Aaron didn't hear “no, i think i want more”. Now I can honestly say that I am 100% content in my family. If we never had another baby through birth or adoption I would be content and never want any more. For real. I am good. My four kids are my joy. I am content and fulfilled as a mommy. I truly am.
BUT …. BUT … BUT …
IF down the road God had in his great plans to bring us a new baby through birth or adoption I would also be 100% okay about that as well. You see the problem. I am so content, but also open to whatever.
When I woke up the day after my day that I was sure I was pregnant with child #5 in 6 years of course my period started and all this drama was over. For a very small split second I was sad. I was sad that I wasn't having a baby. But then in the next second I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn't going to have another baby in the next year.
This day brought so many emotions upon me. Emotions of sadness, worry, happiness and guilt. Sadness of the “what if's” that a pregnancy could bring. Worry of what to do with my life and the thought of child #5. Happiness about the fact that I wasn't pregnant which lead to much guilt because I have friends that I'm praying and begging God to open their womb and here I was begging God to close mine. What a hard feeling that was.
In all this I am reminded that God is in control. I have absolutely nothing to do with this. He will open and close wombs as he pleases. For my friends that are so desperately trying to have babies, oh God I pray that you will open their wombs and bring forth life through them. You are the GOD of life and through you there is life.
I on the other hand am crazy and will always think I'm pregnant if my period is 2.4 minutes late.
*Thought you like to see a super gross picture of me the day Cayden was born. Yes I did gain 50lbs by eating Sonic cheese sticks and tater tots every single day. Not good. i DO NOT recommend this plan.
I had a very similar experience lately!lol!! You have a beautiful family!
Haha…you make me laugh and cry.
Ok a few things…
#1 I am as crazy as you! So maybe you aren’t that crazy after all, because then I wouldn’t be either. Ok, I will just keep telling myself that.
#2 I could have written that post, insert my family details, take out yours, but for real, it was me in there.
#3 Been there done that, eat whatever whenever, because you are pregnant and you need it, deserve it, are making a baby, right?! lol.
#4 That is not a disgusting photo of you, not one tiny bit, you are beautiful and your baby belly is so perfect it almost makes me want one again…
HAHAHA!! I LOVE this!!
I don’t live in your shoes, but these are some of the very same feelings I deal with when I’ve had/have pregnancy “scares”!
We only have two children and there are those CRAZY days when I think I would be INSANE to want more children… but honestly (whispering) – I DO.
Mark feels that a part of him is too old to have anymore kids – heck, we aren’t spring chickens anymore. He’s 40 and I am 37… but we still LOVE the idea of bringing more children into our home!
Mark & I are VERY excited about the possibility adopting, but we fear that there are some things that would stand in our way of that… but I also know that our knowledge about the process of adoption is also very naive.
Either way, whether its birthing and/or adopting… I want more.
Is THAT crazy??
Believe it or not, I’ve had MANY people tell me that I need to just find contentment in our two girls.. and I do. They are pure JOY to us…..
But I’ll quit rambling.. you get the picture.
I love how real you are. Your post inspire me. You are not crazy you are a WOMAN. Take care and crazy as it seems training for a half can change your cycles.
i know you think i’m crazy, but i’ve always loved this picture of you. it’s so sweet and beautiful!
This post made me laugh out loud because I have had these same frantic days before. And then I am also sad when I’m not pregnant even though we are NOT ready to have a child yet. (I think…)
And I love that picture of you when you were pregnant!
Funny – I was on the same “diet plan” with Harper and gained the same amount! UGH! 🙂 Down to my last 10 lbs…
Your post made me laugh – funny how our minds work!!
Thankful for your family & the picture of grace it is.
This totally sounds like I could have written it. We actually had a false positive PG test when the twins were 9 months old. On Christmas Eve, when I had strep throat. It was nuts. Anyway, I hear what you are saying.
Um yeah, I could have written this blog myself! Especially since my last baby I was pregnant with for almost 2 months before I knew I was pregnant…and I had a “cyle” while pregnant. THAT makes me even doubt sometimes when my period does come! My hubby recently had the big V–so I’m not as crazy in my thoughts, but some months I still wonder.
Even if you did gain 50 pounds with Cayden, you were a super cute pregnant lady!
As for the thought that you’re pregnant if your just a teensy tinsy bit late, I’ve been there! (Often!) I, too, go through most of those stages you went through, so know you’re not alone in your looney behavior. 🙂
This is so funny- and I can SO relate!
You sure were still cute +50 lbs. You go girl.
I pay for foot rubs… I get it. 🙂
Hugs and Love