Recently I had one of those days where I was dragging. I was feeling alone and miserable. I slept on the couch for about 2 hours in the afternoon and oh yes my kids were in the room watching tv while I was in and out of a deep sleep. I was pawning out quarters to anyone that would comb my hair for 10 minutes at a time. 🙂 I know you are laughing because you have done the same thing!
Warning: If you are one of the 3 guys that read my blog I’m warning you this is about “girly stuff” and you might want to go on to the next blog that you read but don’t tell anyone you read.
This day brought me so down because I was convinced I was pregnant. If you know me well you know that before I was on birth control I used to always think I was pregnant. Every single month I would call my friend Amy and tell her that I thought I was pregnant. I’m sure she never believed me, because literally it was every month.
Now I start my period on the same day each month at the same time of the day, so I’m pretty confident of when it’s coming. I love that.
This is where I got so depressed. You see my period didn’t show up that day and I just knew I was pregnant. I had a due date already planned out and for the love I even picked out a girl name. Claire Ivey. That’s a good name isn’t it? Has a good ring and goes with Story well. I had the whole next 9 months of my life planned out. Gosh I even checked Aaron’s calendar to make sure he was home when our baby would be arriving.
You see, I’m looney!
So as I laid on the couch that day here were my thoughts ……
- I can’t be pregnant. I will lose my mind if I’m pregnant.
- Gosh I feel guilty for feeling that way. I have friends that would cut off their left arm to be pregnant. What a jerk I am.
- Oh my word how will I tell Aaron.
- We don’t have room in our house for another kid.
- Sure we do ….
- I don’t want to put on 50 lbs.
- I won’t put on 50 lbs this time. i won’t. i won’t. i promise i won’t.
- I just started training for a half.
- I’ll be one of those cute pregnant ladies running.
- Oh I already feel fat.
- I think I’m showing.
- Shut up Jamie you are crazy!
- Wait a few days and then we’ll know for sure
Do you guys see how crazy I am!
So here’s the deal ….. I am more content in my family that I have ever been in my whole marriage. If you would have asked my last year around this time if I thought four was our final number I would have shrugged, looked around for Aaron and then said in a whisper to make sure Aaron didn’t hear “no, i think i want more”. Now I can honestly say that I am 100% content in my family. If we never had another baby through birth or adoption I would be content and never want any more. For real. I am good. My four kids are my joy. I am content and fulfilled as a mommy. I truly am.
BUT …. BUT … BUT …
IF down the road God had in his great plans to bring us a new baby through birth or adoption I would also be 100% okay about that as well. You see the problem. I am so content, but also open to whatever.
When I woke up the day after my day that I was sure I was pregnant with child #5 in 6 years of course my period started and all this drama was over. For a very small split second I was sad. I was sad that I wasn’t having a baby. But then in the next second I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t going to have another baby in the next year.
This day brought so many emotions upon me. Emotions of sadness, worry, happiness and guilt. Sadness of the “what if’s” that a pregnancy could bring. Worry of what to do with my life and the thought of child #5. Happiness about the fact that I wasn’t pregnant which lead to much guilt because I have friends that I’m praying and begging God to open their womb and here I was begging God to close mine. What a hard feeling that was.
In all this I am reminded that God is in control. I have absolutely nothing to do with this. He will open and close wombs as he pleases. For my friends that are so desperately trying to have babies, oh God I pray that you will open their wombs and bring forth life through them. You are the GOD of life and through you there is life.
I on the other hand am crazy and will always think I’m pregnant if my period is 2.4 minutes late.
*Thought you like to see a super gross picture of me the day Cayden was born. Yes I did gain 50lbs by eating Sonic cheese sticks and tater tots every single day. Not good. i DO NOT recommend this plan.