I'm finding that trusting God with your kids is not easy. I mean I say that I completely trust him, but there is so much of me that would just rather do it myself. You see for some reason I have a faulty view of myself as a mom sometimes. I view myself as a champion and a protector. I think that if I'm in charge everything is okay. This can be good sometimes, but it can also be faulty. When I see myself as more in charge than God things can get a little out of focus.
The worst thing I can imagine going through in life is something happening to my kids. I think I feel this way because I feel as though I'm in charge of them. So if something happened it would be my fault. I didn't do enough to take care of or protect them. I would have to guess that lots of us moms feel this way.
With Amos and Story in Haiti I feel as though I am having to trust God with them so much. Even though these children are not “ours” right now, we have fallen in love with them in our hearts and are very hopeful and confident that this will all go as planned and eventually they will be ours and be home with us. Adoption is hard. It is hard knowing who your kids are through this process. It is hard visiting them and leaving them.
I have mixed emotions about visiting our kids there. On one hand it is fabulous because I get to hold them and talk to them and play with them and love on them. I get to be a part of their world for one week. On the other hand at the end of that week I have to leave. This seems to be harder on us right now than them, but I can't help but wonder if Amos feels abandoned by us. As if he had this great experience with a momma and papa and then all of a sudden he gets on a motorcycle for the ride of his life, arrives back at the RC, and we're not there. Does he feel pushed aside, or does he know that his momma and papa would never abandon him or forget him and that we'll be back as soon as we can? Those questions keep me up at night.
Obviously for us as a family we feel okay right now with visiting the kids. We know that they are very well taken care of and that Licia, Lori and the nannies there talk about us, show them pictures of us and reassure them of our love for them both. That brings me comfort when all the other questions keep me up at night.
It has been 3 weeks and one day since we got our numbers for our files in IBESR. I had to double check the dates because in my head it seemed like months! Time seems to go very slow when your papers are moving through an office in Haiti!
The other day when Aaron and I were at Starbuck's with Deacon for our Monday morning ritual Deacon pretty much summed up how I'm feeling about our adoption right now. He was over on another chair playing and I was reading my book and Aaron was reading too and all of a sudden Deacon busted out crying. He had the big tears and the big sad face and he was walking towards me and only said one sentence … “I want Amos to come home”. I kid you not. I got tears in my eyes as I held him and rocked him and told him how much I wanted his brother and sister to come home too. I told him that we all want them home and that they will be home soon.
That broke my heart to see my two year old son longing for his brother and sister to come home. Amos and Story are a reality to us around here. Everything we do includes them. At dinner we talk about them and where they will sit. At night we pray for them and pray that they sleep well. When we drive we talk about where everyone will sit in the car. We have dolls picked out for Story that Deacon sleeps with every night. He is holding them for her and will give them to her when she comes home and sleeps in his bed.
This adoption is reminding me that I have no control over my kids lives. God ultimately has their best interest in mind and knows what he is doing. God knows how badly I want Amos and Story home with us. He knows that and he is a source of comfort to me during these times, but I'm learning and sometimes suck at this learning.
But I have committed to trust.
I suck at this lesson, too. How sweet that your boys are already bonding and dreaming of their new siblings. We have the same conversations around here and I break out in random cries, too. Just last night I was looking at a picture of Jeff & David and McKenna came up behind me and said, “Let me guess: you’re crying.” I wasn’t (that time) but I must be pretty predictable. Trusting God is the only way to go. It is a hard surrender- just last night I surrendered them again. How many times in the last 21 mths have I done that?? Countless.
Thanks for sharing. I pray you will have peace in the wait.
this is so true!! love you!
Oh I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I visited my girls twice before my third visit with them when they got to come home to be a family. It broke my heart with every goodbye but knowing they were going back to their ‘family’ of all of the children and caregivers and life would be back to normal for them was a bit helpful (didn’t lesson the pain).
I have never left Haiti without leaving one of my children behind. We have been home almost 3 weeks now and all of the kids talk about bringing Jessica home. It is like they are our cheering section because we know what a struggle it is to ‘wait’.
I will pray for your heart, for strength through the wait, and for God to grow you in glorious ways.
ange
I am so glad that you talked about this. While we don’t have kids yet, I am already beginning to prepare for this. I struggle with this fear about my husband–trusting that God is in control. Fear is something that I struggle with- fear that something bad will happen to my husband, and in the future–something bad will happen to my kids. I am learning what the Bible says about fear…and memorizing verses to say outloud when I am overwhelmed with fear. I am learning that I say I believe in God BUT do I really BELIEVE what He says?? Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you to truly BELIEVE that He is good and has a plan– which you seem to know. Many of my friends have told me about the struggle to surrender their kids to Him –what a blessing it is that you will be able to tell Story and Amos one day how they were His from the start and you trusted Him to bring them to you!
That’s so amazing that Deacon wants them home so badly. He’s only two!?? When is his bday? That’s so great, I cried too. Trusting God would be so hard. Especially when you’re so far away. Especially when you have to send a baby away on a motorcycle…
How many times have I cried over the things my kids have said to me about bringing their sister home? How many times have I woken in the middle of the night with knots in my stomach worrying over this thing or that thing with regard to our legal proceedings? How many times have I tried to release these fears that I keep clutched so tight to my chest and leave them for the Lord to take care of? I can’t even count anymore. I think it has been a continual lesson for me. Trust, especially in the most trust-worthy entity in the world, should be easy, but it’s just not. Many prayers for you and your family.
Oh I can so relate. We have had many similiar feelings as we just returned from visiting Keanan. I wonder if the visiting makes it harder for everyone, but I can’t bear not to visit. Jafta asks about him constantly and it breaks my heart.
Yes, the relinquishing control thing is a huge lesson as a parent and one that God seems to be trying to teach me right now!
I am with you. On a different path, but the same place. At least you say that you are having trouble trusting God. After therapy and reading To Be Told, I realize, I don’t trust Him…which leads to other questions…which is why I loved The Shack. Here is the conclusion that was set before me. My trust, was based on the actions of God’s Hand (for you, the whole “story” of Amos and Story) and those actions determined for me what His heart must be thinking. That was my absolute truth. Backwards. I need to trust His heart, inspite of what His hand is doing (The Shack). That seems Bass Ackwards for me and I can admit that. I am getting to know His heart all over again, and in that learning to trust that much when His hand doesn’t make sense.
Sorry for the ramble, I just feel for you.
Daddy, Bless Jamie and Aaron, right now and give them the strength and patience to see that you are redeeming a wrong and that can take time. In that, you will always be willing and able to bring good out of any wrong for them and their children. Bless them all with rest.
In the name of The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen
Amen. I am such a control freak. Maybe that is why God has called us to adoption, so He can show me how perfect His timing is. I believe, but Lord help my unbelief…