I’m finding that trusting God with your kids is not easy. I mean I say that I completely trust him, but there is so much of me that would just rather do it myself. You see for some reason I have a faulty view of myself as a mom sometimes. I view myself as a champion and a protector. I think that if I’m in charge everything is okay. This can be good sometimes, but it can also be faulty. When I see myself as more in charge than God things can get a little out of focus.
The worst thing I can imagine going through in life is something happening to my kids. I think I feel this way because I feel as though I’m in charge of them. So if something happened it would be my fault. I didn’t do enough to take care of or protect them. I would have to guess that lots of us moms feel this way.
With Amos and Story in Haiti I feel as though I am having to trust God with them so much. Even though these children are not “ours” right now, we have fallen in love with them in our hearts and are very hopeful and confident that this will all go as planned and eventually they will be ours and be home with us. Adoption is hard. It is hard knowing who your kids are through this process. It is hard visiting them and leaving them.
I have mixed emotions about visiting our kids there. On one hand it is fabulous because I get to hold them and talk to them and play with them and love on them. I get to be a part of their world for one week. On the other hand at the end of that week I have to leave. This seems to be harder on us right now than them, but I can’t help but wonder if Amos feels abandoned by us. As if he had this great experience with a momma and papa and then all of a sudden he gets on a motorcycle for the ride of his life, arrives back at the RC, and we’re not there. Does he feel pushed aside, or does he know that his momma and papa would never abandon him or forget him and that we’ll be back as soon as we can? Those questions keep me up at night.
Obviously for us as a family we feel okay right now with visiting the kids. We know that they are very well taken care of and that Licia, Lori and the nannies there talk about us, show them pictures of us and reassure them of our love for them both. That brings me comfort when all the other questions keep me up at night.
It has been 3 weeks and one day since we got our numbers for our files in IBESR. I had to double check the dates because in my head it seemed like months! Time seems to go very slow when your papers are moving through an office in Haiti!
The other day when Aaron and I were at Starbuck’s with Deacon for our Monday morning ritual Deacon pretty much summed up how I’m feeling about our adoption right now. He was over on another chair playing and I was reading my book and Aaron was reading too and all of a sudden Deacon busted out crying. He had the big tears and the big sad face and he was walking towards me and only said one sentence … “I want Amos to come home”. I kid you not. I got tears in my eyes as I held him and rocked him and told him how much I wanted his brother and sister to come home too. I told him that we all want them home and that they will be home soon.
That broke my heart to see my two year old son longing for his brother and sister to come home. Amos and Story are a reality to us around here. Everything we do includes them. At dinner we talk about them and where they will sit. At night we pray for them and pray that they sleep well. When we drive we talk about where everyone will sit in the car. We have dolls picked out for Story that Deacon sleeps with every night. He is holding them for her and will give them to her when she comes home and sleeps in his bed.
This adoption is reminding me that I have no control over my kids lives. God ultimately has their best interest in mind and knows what he is doing. God knows how badly I want Amos and Story home with us. He knows that and he is a source of comfort to me during these times, but I’m learning and sometimes suck at this learning.
But I have committed to trust.