Some days I want to run away. Literally walk out my door, start running and never look back. I have no idea where this comes from, but I'm guessing today it's from fear. I'm afraid of what I'm doing wrong. I'm afraid I can't do it right.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I hold my parenting very highly in my life. It's that thing that I do not want to get to the end and realize I did a poor job at it. I can't. There's too much on the line. The hard part about this is that I screw this part of my life up so often. I'm impatient. Self seeking. Harsh words. Non understanding. Quick to anger.
Then I want to run. Something inside of me says it would be easier to to run away than to fail. It's false I know it. I fight it. It's not true. It's satan's way of really getting me to dive more into my insecurities. He knows I worry about failing as a parent. It makes me shutter to think I might fail one of my kids.
I sent my kids off to school feeling like a failure. Once again, I convinced myself that they are going to grow up and write a memoir about how awful their mom was. Remember that time that she yelled at us for coming in the house a million times at night when we were supposed to be playing outside. Yeah I'm a messed up adult because of it. That's my fear. That my parenting will ruin them.
I know when I write it that it's awful. I'm not a bad mom. I love my kids dearly. I beat myself up when I have bad days.
Today I was reading God's word and begging him to change my heart. To bring me to him and not to my own feelings. I can sometimes get stuck feeling yucky and would rather stay there than run to God. It's weird and gross and I have no idea why. I read how we are to be imitators of God. I've always loved that verse, because wow isn't that a high goal. Imitate the maker of the Universe. Imitate the creator of my soul. Imitate the Heavenly Father. Seems impossible to me. Then I realized that it is impossible without Jesus. He's my hope. He is my only hope.
Romans 7 & 8 pretty much sums up my thoughts today:
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
Thank you that Jesus Christ is the one that can deliver me from my ugliness. I want to be the best parent I can be. I want to point my kids to Jesus with all that is in me. I want to teach them to rely on him for all of our needs. I want them to see Jesus in me.
Today I'm realizing two things. #1 I will screw my kids up. My parents screwed me up. Their parents screwed them up. We are all screwed up! We can't help it.
#2 Jesus is my redeemer on days when I feel as though I fail. I will continue to strive to imitate God and be the best mom that I can be. There is no condemnation.
If you are here, let these words from Romans resonate with your heart today. If you don't even know what to pray, fear not because a little further God's word tells us that even when we don't know what to say the Spirit helps us in our weakness, and intercedes for us. We're all in this together moms.
*Photo by Whitney Runyon
I always tell my husband, because he’s my safe place, that there are days I want to run away and thought surely if I ever said that in public people would not understand. I also think I’m screwing my kids up so bad! But I love them, I care, I would NEVER want to live life without them! Thank you for the encouragement! This blog was much needed for me 🙂
Phew. I know this feeling too well.
That is exactly what I needed to hear – all week I’ve needed that reminder!
Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s always nice to hear that I am not alone in my fear of failure as a mom, and my inability to do it right ALL the time. That is exactly what I needed to hear today. “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing”…. BUUUUTTTT…..”There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” Praise the Lord!
Jamie, Thank you so much for this. I didn’t read it yesterday when it was first posted. Instead I read it this morning, as I was sitting at my computer, trying to escape my kids and the thoughts swirling in my head about how I’ve been such a bad mother lately.
It was uplifting to read your words and THE Word regarding exactly what has been on my heart today. The Lord is good – even when we’re not!
Janelle and God’s timing is perfect. Glad you read this today and not yesterday!
Thanks girl!
Jill thanks a bunch! I love your BUUUUUTTTT … it’s so true! There’s hope!
Ellie I need this reminder each week too!
Thank you for this post. Today, as in right now, my child is in time out and I am sitting on the couch asking the Lord to give me patience and help me to guide him well. This post was just exactly what I needed to read in this moment. My heart has the same fear of failure in parenting, and what a blessing the truth of Jesus is. Thank you for a sweet reminder this morning.
Such a beautiful encouraging post. I needed this reminder today. Thanks Jamie! And that is a great picture!!!
Thanks Jamie… Of course God put words in your mouth and on your heart today to speak His Words and His truth into just the right mom hearts today… And today this was just EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I slept about 3 total hours last night thinking this very thing… That I am screwing up my kids & already seeing the evidence of it in one of our relationships. I was so hurt by something she said & did after I had done what I thought was the “right thing” to do at that moment. But it resulted in ugliness and hurt and embarrassment and I just wanted to give up on that relationship. BUT God spoke in several ways to me today… Now through you and earlier this morning through my Advent devotional, that was all about how we need to “lighten up” and smile and not fear and trust God. Amazing. His Grace is nothing short of amazing. Love you sister! And thanks so much for being honest and being God’s voice and balm to so many through that honesty.
So glad this came to you at just the right time!
thanks a bunch and glad it encouraged you!