Domestic adoption is a little different than international in that in most situations you present a profile of your family that is presented to all the moms that come in that are thinking about placing their baby. I stressed over this profile so much. Each time my friends would come over I would make them look at the new page that I had just created. It was so stressful for me. I looked at each picture and wondered what a mom would think when she saw that picture. Would she like my outfit, would she like our house, would she appreciate our vacations … what would she think of us.
Once again I was putting a lot more pressure on myself and a lot less of me was relying on God's good and perfect plan.
We completed our profile and were thrown into the waiting pile. I prayed for our birth mom. I knew that she was out there. I knew that she would eventually see this profile. I knew that God already knew her and I prayed for her. Her situation must not be a good one because of the decision she was having to make. My heart hurt so badly for her.
You see I had a 16 month old. 16 months earlier I had delivered a baby. I could not ever imagine having to go through what she was going through. A mom that places her child for adoption has to go through emotions that I will never ever understand in all my years on this earth. Never.
I prayed for God to somehow comfort her.
To sustain her.
To guide her.
To help her.
During this waiting time there was a family that was in all the same stages as us. They went through training the same time as us. They turned in their paperwork the same time as us. They did their home study the same time as us. They were approved and waiting the same time as us.
And what do you know they were chosen way before us.
I was devastated. My heart sank. I was so baffled at what they had that we didn't have. Why did the mom pick them and not us. I knew that we were both open to the same things. Why them and not us?
God showed me so much during that time of jealousy. I was so consumed with me. Why not me? Why them? Where are you God? I had completely forgotten that God was in control. That baby was not meant to be our son. He never was. Our son was still waiting for us. God knew. I just needed to wait and trust.
During the summer of 2005 our profile was showed several times. There is one time that I will never forget …..