Honestly my memory fails me big time when I try to remember exactly what went down when I met my fiancé at my work to tell him that I no longer wanted to marry him. If I think really hard I can imagine us sitting on two chairs across from each other in the back of the store. We might have been in my office, or maybe just in the warehouse. I'm not certain. I don't remember what either of us was wearing and I don't even remember what day of the week it was. I imagine there was someone working in the front of the store, but I couldn't tell you who if you made me.
One thing I do remember is the feeling of wanting to throw up. I have never before in my life felt the feeling of hurting someone so badly intentionally. This was my choice and I was literally looking at the man that I loved and telling him that I didn't see a future with us. Keep in mind that I did at one time see a future because I was wearing the ring he gave me when we committed to marry. Plans for our wedding have been made. Now I'm changing my mind. That just seems mean.
I think that had I not gone to my dad's office to talk this through with him and get his blessing I might have chickened out. I might have given in to the fear of the unknown and not gone through with what I thought I knew was right.
The conversation is choppy in my mind. I have no idea how I started the conversation. How do you start a conversation with someone like this? I remember explaining my feelings and him getting furious. Mad. Really mad. He said hurtful things to me. I guess he thought it was warranted since I had just done something awful to him, but those words reassured me that I was making the right choice.
There is one main point of that conversation that I remember so well to this day, and when I tell you what I remember it will make sense why I remember it so well.
In trying to answer his questions of ‘why?' and ‘what could I do to make this right?' and ‘how can I change your mind?' I blurted out a statement that this day is crazy that I even said this. I looked at him and with complete seriousness said these words, “I'm not sure what I want, but I know I want someone like that Aaron Ivey guy at church.” Yes I said that. Hello foreshadowing.
Aaron and I were friends. We didn't have much more in common. I was kinda the outcast at church and we would chat online while I worked and he was at church. To me, he was just this super nice guy that made me laugh. Nothing more. Then I started following Jesus and changing my life and all of a sudden I found myself calling off an engagement and only knowing that I desired someone like that Aaron Ivey guy at church.
What I was saying to him that day was that I wanted someone that loved Jesus. I knew Aaron did and I knew that I did, but I also knew that my fiancé did not. Aaron and I still laugh about this today. I had no idea at that moment that months later I would actually start dating that Aaron Ivey guy at church, and 2 years later I would marry him.
Calling off an engagement was to this day one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but oh it is also one of the best things I have ever done. I am beyond thankful for the ability that I had to see things that I had not seen before in our relationship. I'm beyond thankful that I paid attention to the red flags that were popping up all around me in our relationship.