There are many things that Amos does that I have no clue how to handle. We read books, we ask advice, we pray and then we do what feels right. So many days I just pray and beg God to not let me screw this kid up. That would probably be one of my biggest fears these days. Fearing that I will parent this special boy in the wrong way and he'll be messed up forever. I know that sounds silly, but to me it is real.
Amos has come a long way in many of his weird behaviors, but there is one that I still don't understand and am not sure how to handle it. I just don't know how to react to it and fear that if I react the wrong way it will either continue or never be addressed or be hidden only resurface later in life.
Amos loves anything that is his. He got so excited the other day when he got medicine just for him. For no one else, but only Amos. He loves any article of clothing that is just his. He loves his backpack because it is his. He has this note that Caroline sent to him after he first got home that he still carries around in his backpack and gets out every once in a while just to proudly proclaim that she gave it to HIM. He also has a handful of pictures that he cherishes and also usually keeps in his backpack with that letter. I make sure the kids know that these are his special things and not to mess with them.
When Amos gets upset or gets in trouble he resorts to telling me that he is going to break something. In my head it is so silly and even kinda stupid but to him I think he is showing me that he doesn't care what I say and even though I think I'm in control he will regain that control by destroying something. Then he's in control. That is my very un-educated opinion. At first I would get upset and take whatever it was away from him that he was about to destroy so that it wouldn't get destroyed. Then I started not taking it away and letting him break it and then showing him that I now had to throw it in the trash and he would never have it again. He would act like he didn't care and then a few days later ask for that item and be upset that it was in the trash.
Now it doesn't happen nearly as often and I usually just talk to him and he decides he doesn't want to. For instance, he has a pair of sunglasses that he loves. He loves to wear them and usually has them with him at all times. I told him to do something the other day and he didn't want to, so I told him sterner and he took his glasses off to show me that he was going to break them. I then reminded him that if he broke them he wouldn't have them anymore and that we don't break our toys. I told him that if he broke them I wouldn't buy him anymore and the sun would hurt his eyes. He thought for a minute and then decided not to break them but just to throw them down. 🙂 Still trying to one up me!
The other day he got mad about something and tore up one of his favorite pictures. He always makes sure I'm watching and usually acts like he's going to do it before he really does. He needs to make sure I'm watching and I really think he wants to hear me beg him not to. It's kinda weird. When he tore up his picture he began by biting off a piece. I told him we don't put stuff in our mouths (b/c he is always putting stuff in his mouth) and that he loves that picture and he doesn't want to hurt it. He of course acted like he could care less about the picture. He watched me for a minute as I carried on about my business and then he proceeded to tear it up. I acted like I didn't care he tore it up, but was sad that he won't have the picture of when Papa came to visit him anymore.
He didn't seem to care, but a few days later I found him looking at the pieces. I didn't say anything but I was yelling on the inside I TOLD YOU SO.
Anyhow, what do you guys that deal with this do when your kids try to destroy things. He is SO MUCH better and in fact the last time he destroyed something was about 4 weeks ago and again it was something that he really liked and had been given to him as a gift. He tore his necklace and so I threw it away as if it was no big deal and went on with what I was doing, but he was bummed when everyone had their special necklaces on from Nana except for him.
So, send me your thoughts!
I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring it, and then having him deal with the consequences, if it is an item that belongs to him. I would try to look at the situation this way: what is he trying to tell you with this behavior? I would imagine he’s trying to show you how out-of-control his feelings are . . . that he feels so angry that he has to break something. So in those moments, it could be helpful to remove him from the situation and try to get to the bottom of the feelings. i.e. “Wow, you must be really upset to be thinking about breaking your sunglasses. Tell me more about how angry you are, and why?” It doesn’t mean that you give in to him getting his way, but you can empathize and help him verbalize through words instead of actions. We are trying this more with Kembe – acknowledging how angry he is that he has to clean up, or that he can’t get his carseat strap buckled, etc, and helping him talk instead of scream/hit/bite. It’s hard because my emotions get ramped up when he is being destructive. But I try to stay really calm and then attempt to get to the root of the problem, which is usually him feeling a loss of control. On the side, we’ve also been reading a ton of books about feelings, so he can start getting that in his vocabulary.
I could write a novel right now, but my biggest learning recently has been recognizing how much control and structure Kembe needs, and figuring out how to relinquish some control back to him in the minor ways (insisting on a certain color of cup, wanting to wear certain shoes) while still showing him I’m in control of the bigger decisions. It is not easy for me!
I don’t raise children at this point in my life. Knowing that Amost comes from a broken background makes it a little harder to think about. Because upon first reaction, I automatically think, “Show that kid who’s boss!” But then I remember each child is different and must be shown different styles of handling situations due to their unique feelings.
With Amos it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. It seems to be effective in the sense that he is slowly learning that these things will begin to effect him. The one thing I’m thinking though that Kristen mentioned is the control factor. Now obviously you’re talking about bigger things here, but like she said you can let him have control of some things so long as it doesn’t impede on the authority God has placed in you as his mother. Because honestly I was thinking sometimes we want to control the situation not because we are the parent but because it’s a control issue within ourselves.
I think you’re doing a spectacular job raising your children and I love reading about them! I won’t tell you which one has stolen my heart, because I know they all have yours but you have such a beautiful, beautiful family!
Jamie,
I don’t have kids but work with special needs children.I had the opportunity to work with a wonderful little girl, who would also destroy things when she got mad/upset. She would also destroy things that she loved. She was adopted as well and had been in many foster homes. One day, I had asked her to do something she clearly did not want to.(She was wearing earrings that her birth Mom had given her.) She was going to flush them in the toilet. I knew that they meant the world to her. So, I got her away from the bathroom and asked her, why would she want to do that because she would never get them back. After that there was a lot of crying but she opened up to me from some reason. She said everything that I have loved has been taken away from me. Going through foster homes/having to share with other people/never having anything that was her “own”. To make a long story short, she figured that she would take the things she loved away before anyone else did. I don’t know if this is how Amos feels but I thought I would share. I’ve learned that it is good to ask why are you feeling this way but other times it is best to ignore the bad behavior. I know it’s not easy..much love coming your way!!!:))
Oh my goodness, Jamie, this sounds just like my son John!! He’s 5 and came home to us just over 2 years ago. He usually takes his anger out on his artwork, not toys. I don’t know quite what to do either so I’m anxious to hear what others have to say. Just like Amos, this behavior has improved, but still happens every once in awhile.
Thanks for putting this out there.
Blessings,
Mary
I do wonder too with our kids if underneath it all with the destruction is shame.. they are upset, they are angry.. and what they are telling themselves is: I am bad, I don’t deserve this good thing. So they destroy it. And I wonder if, by letting them destroy it, and see the things that they clearly treasure when they are regulated, they reinforce that message for themselves.. Look what I did, I really AM bad, I broke my special thing.
So, like Kristen was saying, if we can freeze them in that moment and get to the feeling: wow, you are really mad because xyz.. do you want to put your picture in this special box to keep it safe until you feel better.
I also make it a point to talk to (all of) my kids about the fact that everybody gets mad, and that all of us make bad choices sometimes when we are mad. That we do or say things that we wish we hadn’t. I try to point out times when I have yelled when I should not have, or said a mean thing to someone, or once when I kicked the porch railing (because I am mature like that) and that it is really hard to make good choices when we are mad. Because it is!
Of course, all this being said, I let my kid ruin all kinds of stuff because none of this ever dawned on me while he lived with me. What do they say about hindsight?
I will try to go back to this book I have from some seminar I took in my early stages of becoming a foster parent. It was about adopting abroad, and adoption in general. And one of the biggest things I took away from it was that I should make copies of pictures. Have duplicates of photo books because your child WILL at some point get mad at you and tear it up. The talked extensively about Lifebooks and creating a book about their story. And making a duplicate of that as well. Laminating photos so they are harder to tear. Also, any important papers and some photos put in a safety deposit box. It all stems from the loss they have.
I also read an interesting article that says that the time it takes a child to recover from traumas is two months for every year of life they experienced the trauma. Yes they were in really good hands while they were in Haiti, but they were still in an institution, however “homey” that institution was.
http://www.deborahhage.com/articles/childrenbehave.html
Found this article too, really helpfulhttp://www.erinbrownconroy.com/uploads/un/Pz/unPzcLOIZ2Kyqx4MvLzSMg/7-attention-getting-behaviors-of-older-adopted-children.pdf
And remember, this is not deviant, serial killer behavior…he is acting out because negative attention is better than non. And he is a hurt child. Think on his level, the kids at the home who were really calm, and good and were able to do for themselves and others likely did not get as much attention. It’s the ones who act up, need something that get the attention. He’s trying to find his place in this new world.
I’m not in your shoes, I don’t know everything that goes on in your home (I’m just a friendly blogger snooper) but I do read a handful of Haiti adoption blogs and unless no one is giving away all the details it sounds like some people are not talking much about what happened, about the loss with the children. They have lost birthparents, people who took care of them, a country, a language, foods and who knows what else. They need you to find ways to talk to them, to talk about the loss with them. They may not be able to describe the feelings they are having so you have to try to guess and label it so they learn for next time.
My kids are young (2.5 and 1.5) but my son has started to notice that other people have daddies. And I am not sure how he feels about that, or if he is just pointing out the obvious. But I am starting the conversation with him now. “Yes, Isabel has a daddy, but Carter has two mommies. Two mommies who love him very much!”
We have to have conversations like, “Does it make you sad? Do you miss your friends? Country?”
Maybe there is a food or a smell or a sound he misses. It might be too loud at night, or too quiet.
I’m rambling now but I recall in my seminar that a woman adopted a child from India, and she got the baby home and the baby would just sit in the crib and not even cry…but was very uncomfortable, unhappy…she learned not to cry in the orphanage because no one would come anyway. Then one day the mother was wearing a silk robe and when she picked the child up she just started sobbing uncontrollably and clutching the robe and holding it to her. And then the mother remembered that this was a robe she got in India, made of local fabrics…fabrics the child was used to.
I wish you so much luck and anything I can do remotely to help you…I am in.
You can do this! He will be ok, you all will be ok.
And sorry if I came across as a know it all…because trust me, I am not 😉
In my very humble opinion, I think he is feeling very OUT of CONTROL and therefore, is looking for a way to get some of the control back. I love the book “Love and Logic for Early Childhood” and “Love and Logic”. It’s a lot about giving choices and letting the child still feel “in control” with the choices that they are given as well as the child getting “natural consequences” for the choices that they make. If they can’t make a choice in 3 counts (3, 2, 1) then I make the choice for them.
For example, when Teagan (my 4 yr old) starts getting upset and whining, I tell him (continuously in a calm voice), I will speak to you when your voice sounds like my voice. When he throws a tantrum, then I (try more than often than not) the same thing, but more along the lines ‘when you get yourself under control, I will speak to you.’
These books are GREAT!! I have the Early Childhood one in print AND in audio if you would like me to burn you a copy or lend it to you. Just let me know I can bring it to church. Also, you can check out their website at http://www.loveandlogic.com & get more ideas.
The calmer I stay, the more ‘show’ goes away. I STRUGGLE with being consistent, but know that when I am our ‘outbursts’ aren’t quite as frequent or bad. I give him a choice of what the consequences are going to be 75% of the time (are you going to sit in the sad chair or on your bed?) Sometimes, with severe offenses (ie: hitting/pushing me)I decide the consequences immediately it’s a loss of something he doesn’t want to lose (ie: TV, cars, movie).
I think you’re doing a GREAT job! I know that as your family continues to ‘mold’ together, Amos will realize that he is NOT going anywhere…he’s staying with YOU. God has a perfect plan for him, keep up your great work.
Lots of hugs,
Elizabeth
Hi Jamie. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was at the meeting with Justin Lopez, you, Maris, and CFN a couple weeks ago.
anyway, I’m currently in grad school specializing in working with children with what they call “challenging behaviors.” One of my main jobs right now is to work with families to figure out what they can do to help prevent or replace these behaviors with more appropriate ones. I’ll give you a brief overview of what I think (which may be a little presumptuous b/c I’ve never met Amos) but I’d love to talk to you more if you want to.
Basically, it’s important to determine the function or reason for the behavior. There are 4 basic functions: tangible (he wants an item), attention (from you or someone else), escape (from a punishment, task, etc.), and self-maintaine (this one is rarely seen in typical kids…mostly autism and related diagnoses). Based on what you say, I’d probably guess the function to be either escape or attention. What will need to happen is to teach Amos a way to get your attention or express his desire to escape in a more productive way. It’s important he doesn’t actually get attention or get to escape when he is tearing up things or immediately after. You are doing the right thing by just picking it up and throwing it away. even though I’m sure that’s difficult.
You could teach him to express anger with words or by writing or drawing a picture. You could teach him to ask for your attention with words or gestures. You could teach him that when he’s angry he should scream into a pillow, go to his room and have quiet time, or tell you why he’s angry. It’s hard to judge what he would do b/c I haven’t met him, but those are just off the top of my head ideas.
Let me know if you have questions. cara.e.griswold@gmail.com
Just so you know, I love to see Amos and Cayden at KidStuff. Cayden is a sweet support for Amos in a room full of children.
Cara G.
I have three adopted sons. From the foster system. My oldest came to us at 5. He doesn’t necessarily want to destroy things, but same issues I believe. He wants to make sure you know that there is no way to hurt him by taking away privileges or things. When at the age of 11 we told him to clean his room and he didn’t we removed everything but bed and put in storage. NEVER ONCE did he ask for those things or cry and throw a fit all possessions are gone. Lesson learned no a good incentive for obedience. At the age of 5 some much has been taken away there is nothing NOTHING I could take away he wants me to know HE can’t and won’t be hurt or relinuqish his feelings enough to be hurt again. And he will go out of his way to say and do things to hurt you. Just so he can. I am so encouraged that we are not the only ones fighting for these kids with hardened scarred hearts. I PRAY. daily ocntinuously. Pray and love and compassion even when we scream on the outside. I am attempting the love dare book on my son..trying to adapt it to work. Wel will see….
Jamie,
have you tried having a “fit spot”? This is a place where the child can have his/her fit. It becomes a safe place where they can express their emotions ( which usually have nothing to do with the immediate situation they are responding to) in a safe, contolled space. He/she is removed from the other children and can do what they need to do. Kick, scream, throw pillows, tear up paper, ect. Obviously you would be in control of what is put in the fit spot, so Amos could not harm those possessions that are dear to him. But he can control how he expresses his anger. Then you ask if he is done with his fit and would like to join the group/family again.
I’ve seen kids go into the fit spot tear a piece of paper or throw a pillow and then realize it’s nit as fun as being with others. But it also grants a place for them to be angry and that’s okay.
You are doing a great job, Jamie!
I think you are definitely doing the right thing by ignoring it. I am a first grade teacher and have a couple of students with some similar emotional issues. Just today one got angry at me and stood next to a shelf with a bucket of folders acting like he was fixing to throw them down. I continued working with the student I was with only watching him out of the corner of my eye and not even speaking to him. After about two minutes I looked up and he was back in his seat doing his work. I have a “want it my way” personality so sitting back while kids do something I don’t want them to is hard but in most cases nips it in the bud pretty quickly. You’re doing great!!
Jamie,
I would highly recommend you check out Dr. Karyn Purvis and her website, http://www.empoweredtoconnect.org She wrote “The Connected Child” and also created a study guide to along with it, “Created to Connect.” She specializes in helping kids with trauma in their past.
I don’t have any advice, but wanted to tell you I was there 4years ago. It does get better. Sometimes you don’t even see it getting better, and then one day you try to remember the last time he got upset, and you can’t remember.
My son behaved almost exactly like this. I laughed reading about Amos carrying the note, because my son had a card from his godmother that he carried as well. He is still somewhat materialistic and can be selfish, but he works hard on it now. I think these kids have had so much ‘broken’ in their own lives that sometimes it feels good to be the one doing the breaking.
It’s amazing to me sometimes to read posts like this and remember what we went through. It’s a great reminder to me of how far our son has come. Amos will get there. Sounds like you have come pretty far in a short time already!
I don’t have any adopted children but I do have my 5 year old child do that same thing occasionally when he’s really upset. He will be angry at something and destroy whatever is near as some sort of release of frustration I think more than anything else. Again my son isn’t an adopted child and is probably acting in that way for far different reasons than Amos. That being said I really think you’re doing the exact right thing in just picking up whatever it was that was broken and throwing it out and telling him “oh isn’t that sad that’s broken now and you won’t have it to enjoy anymore” and going on with your day. Especially since you mentioned that he’s not doing that as much anymore as he used to.
Any parent worries they are going to screw their kids up, I think you’re doing a great job with him and he’s just learning his place in the world and your family.
What Corey said – she’s got it right on. It’s a “shame” issue and they are doing these type of behaviors to reinforce their own feelings of low self esteem…… They can’t see that anyone would appreciate them for who and what they are because, earlier in their life, the most important person in their world abandoned them.
My very uneducated opinion- (though it probably doesn’t matter anymore since this was 4 years ago. Does he still do this??) Anger is always a reaction out of hurt. Whatever hurt caused the outburt that day or any other day probably felt to him pretty bad. Even just the fact that he can’t control a situation could be painful to him and raise some past fear from a time he was stuck in a situation that hurt him. It may not have ANYTING to do with you or proving anything about his power over you. In my really uneducated opinion, I think he is feeling scared and hurt… whick opens the door for the devil to whisper all kinds of lies into our mind… I’m worthless, I’m a bad person, I hate myself, I let everyone down, Nobody loves me, not one will help me…. especially that last one. He may feel as though no one can or will help him and rescue him from his fears and feelings of pain (whether past or present memories). So the instinct in every animal is to run, flee, escape. When you feel as though you will always be hurting or will alsways do things wrong, hope dims and the devil’s lies grow louder. I bet he is crying and screaming for help. If he didn’t have some thread of hope that you could help him with these feelings and lies in himself… if he didn’t think that somehow someway you may be the only one that can rescue him from himself and his pain, then he wouldn’t do this infront of you. A child like this, in my experience (at a psychiatric ward for kids) shows much hope for a breakthrough than a kid who does these kind of self harming behaviors in secret. The latter kids have lost hope and it is hard to help them. A child who is crying out for help, though it is diruptive (!) and alarming, is in a place where they are still fighting and haven’t given up yet. I thank God he is where he is now with a loving family rather than in a place that doesn’t care for him and cannot help him. He knows you won’t give up on him and so he continues to try to tire you out so that you will give up on him and his biggest fears will be true. There is a strange desire for comfort in us all and it seems easier to give in to our fears sometimes and give up than it is to believe that we are loved beyond our understanding and that we are worth a LOT… IN pain and fear it is UNCOMFORTABLE to believe that and have to fight our fears and the lies of the devil… even in a kid, who doesn’t know what is going on or why he does what he does. The devil wants him too, maybe that is why children have angels specifically assigned to them. 🙂
p.s. Breaking of a loved item or toy may be like him trying to prove his worthlessness and that people don’t love him. Have you ever wanted to rip up a picture of an old boyfriend after a breakup when you realized how he didn’t love you anymore?? It may be sort of like that, but more of him telling himself those people don’t care or shouldn’t care about him or that he doesn’t deserve that toy… Afterward I’ve noticed that the broken toy or picture can be a sore spot for many kids. It’s almost like a reminder that they proved their “badness” and it hurts them that they don’t have something anymore that was so special to them. How to handle that situation??? I’m not even a mom, so my opinon is very uneducated but redirection, redirection (1st choice) or ignoring the outburst (2nd choice) has been the most helpful for the kids I work with. After the child has calmed down, assisting him or her in the clean up of the broken toys and mess can be very encouraging to the child. Even in helping them fix the pic or toy if you can! When they see you aren’t trying to “teach them a lesson” or “punish” them for their bad behavior, they can unlatch from the shame and mourn their behavior and the loss of a special item WITH you, not feeling alone and hurt anymore, but feeling like you care and are hurt with them. Restoration after an episode is most important in my opinion. This is where the kid grows up and learns how he is safe to choose to change his own behavior without being “punished” or shamed into changing. Again, this is just what I’ve found works… what ended up working for you??