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I have a whole post written in my head titled “Jamie, read this when all hell breaks loose”. I want to write something to remind myself of the truths that I believe before my world crumbles. I want to put down on paper what I believe in my heart so that when the world doesn't seem to be right I can review the truths that I know in my heart. I want to proclaim my trust in God no matter what. I want to declare the goodness of God to myself, so that when it doesn't look that good I will know that in fact God is good.
Instead the words aren't coming. I've been trying to write this post since I wrote all the letters to myself back in October. It's like I am scared to write them, because in my twisted head I feel like if I write them down then surely God's going to make me prove myself to him. As if he's testing to see if I really believe what I write. I'm certain this isn't how God works, but in my weakest moments when I'm scared of what suffering I will endure here on earth, that's when my mind wonders to those scenerio's. Will it be Aaron? My kids? My house? My family? My health? What suffering will he bring towards me so I can prove myself?
Although this thinking is super jacked up and twisted and not biblical, I am confident of this one thing – I will suffer on this earth.
It will happen.
I don't know what my suffering will look like, but I'm certain it will happen.
What I want in that moment is the truth. The truth in God's word. I don't feel ready to write that post to myself, but I will soon. I will soon write down the truths I know to be true so that I will have them there to remind myself of what is true when all hell breaks loose. It's what I know I will want in that moment. The truth.
Until I write that post, feel free to catch up on last week's #RestlessProject with Jennie Allen. Of course our subject was suffering. It was a great discussion, and one that is real life for most people.
What is your suffering? What truths are you clinging to as you walk through this fire?
I SO resonate with this post…the twisted thinking that if we write down the truths we beleive about God, especially in suffering, He will “make” us prove. Man, I get that. Making my head & my heart believe the same things is so hard sometimes!
Lindsey I know I am not alone in this. I also know the truths and my heart does too. I just want to fight well. I want to endure well. I want trust well. 🙂
This blog post really resonated with my thoughts and feelings lately. Recently I had my first son. His arrival has been dramatic. While it has been so wonderful and fun, I never anticipated the anxiety I would feel being so invested in another person’s well-being. I know part of my anxiety is because my father died unexpectedly in a car wreck when I was 18. Having my son has brought up some past emotions of being terrified of something happening to me or my family in such a dramatic way like what happened with my dad. It is almost as if I am waiting for the “suffering” to arrive. I feel foolish having these emotions/thoughts especially when things are going so well and I am so blessed with a happy & healthy baby. However, in those moments, I have to remind myself that regardless of what happens, I will be okay. My son will be okay. My husband will be okay…and ALL BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH. But I would be lying if I said, I didn’t worry about the suffering part. Sometimes I think it robs me of enjoyment, and I have to tell myself, “stop Julie!!! Enjoy the moment!”