There are some days that your kids come home from school and you can just sense that something is not right with their little hearts. They seem as if there’s something they want to tell you, but they just don’t know how to do it. As if it will hurt all over again to say the words to someone.
That happened at my house this week. Story walked in from school and although it takes a whole lot to take the pep out of her step, she just wasn’t herself. She made herself her new favorite snack, which consists of plantain chips plus almond butter. She’s so proud each time she makes this for herself, as if she’s just won Chopped Junior for this out-of-the-box creation.
She was eating her plantain/almond butter chips while I prepped my chicken breasts for the instant pot (which I have so many more thoughts on!) and she suddenly said, “Mom, actually something sad did happen at school today.” I looked up from the chicken I was seasoning and looked her in the eyes as if to show her that this was a safe kitchen and she could give me her sadness. I always want my kids to know that I’ll listen to them when they are sad, confused, or hurt.
She began telling me what had happened at school that day that had made her so sad. She was walking down the hall behind two boys when one of them said to the other one, “you like Story don’t you”. We all know this scenario in the halls of the elementary school. We remember this happening to us before. Immediately after the little boy said that his friend looked at him and said, “Ooooh no way, she’s black!”.
I could tell that this was so saddening to my daughter as she was recounting the way that it made her feel. I asked her all the parenting questions … How did this make you feel? What do you think he meant? How do you feel about this now? ….. In her nine-year-old innocence she couldn’t even begin to imagine why he would say that to her. What was the big deal with being black? She knows the stories of Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, and many other little black girls we have read about over the years. Still, she was thinking that these type of things happened to those girls a long time ago, and not to her.
Around the end of her story her older brothers, Amos and Deacon, walked in and they too chimed in on this event. I was telling them that this was such a sad thing that this little boy said, and I shared the truths of how special and important all of us our to God. We talked about how He created everyone in His image, and then I had to share the hard stuff I knew I would have to say once again to them. I looked at each of my kids and told them that this would indeed happen again. Saying those words to them is always powerful for me because I never want them to be surprised by what the world throws at them, but it is also always so sorrowful for me that this is their reality, and not mine.
One of my kids said that they thought that these things only happened a lot time ago. Another kid suggested that this little boy probably had heard his parents say something about black people, because surely he wouldn’t think that on his own. Unfortunately these kinds of comments aren’t reserved for the 1950’s, they are still going strong in the 2010’s, and unfortunately I’m certain that this young boy has heard harsh words about black people in his home.
I’m most certainly sad about my daughter having these comments said to her, but I’m more sad for that little boy. Children have the best opportunity of all of us to grow up without prejudices. They are clean slate with no pre-conceived ideas or notions. I’m 38, love Jesus, mother black children, and still find myself fighting prejudices in my brain. These stigmas and vague thoughts of bias have been in my heart for years, and although I fight them and they don't rule my heart or life, I recognize when they pop up, and I commit to fight against them.
If you are a parent, you can do better than this. We can teach our kids the value of everyone in this world, no matter their skin color. If you are a Christ follower you need to know that thinking that you are better than anyone, or that anyone is less than because of their skin color is a sin. It is going against what God says, and therefore it's wrong. For too long people have let these thoughts and ideas go unchecked and therefore we have followers of Jesus Christ hoarding sins of racism in their hearts. We must fight all sin, and this is one that needs lots of fighting.
I also write this for all of you that say racism is gone in this country. I’m sorry to say, but it’s not. If you are white and stating that opinion, then I would encourage you to close your mouth and listen to our black friends, our Mexican friends, and every friend that doesn’t look like us. They are the only ones that get to declare when racism is gone from this country. So, until they say it's gone, we need to acknowledge that it's still here.
My daughter will survive this. She’s strong, confident, and has parents that are loving her through this. It won't be the last time that someone thinks less of her because of her skin color. The thought of that is indeed heart breaking, but I'm thankful that this earth is not our home and one day all of us – black, white, asian, mexican – will be together in heaven praising God for eternity.
That little boy though, he’s being taught hate, and for that I’m so sorry for him. The way that he sees the world is now tainted through the lens of racism. Instead of believing that all people are created equally, it has been said to him that black people are not the same as him, they are less than. This is the most heartbreaking of all.
Oh Jamie, I’m so sorry this happened. Thank you for sharing about Story’s beautiful heart and your’s–even in difficult, breaking moments like this one. Hug that sweet Story girl!
Our trans-racial family had to deal with something like this recently. It is so crushing to have to speak the realities of racism to our family. Like there is not a thing in this world that we can do to protect them from it… so tough on our Mamma hearts. Praying for your sweet girl and that lovely spirit she seems to have, I read where she forgave him. I bet she is making a difference in that boy’s heart already.
This completely breaks my heart! I pray that my boys know that there is only one race in this world, and that is the human race. We are all a part of it, and God created all of us!
Jamie, I have to tell you as a Happy Hour fan and insta story watcher, I adore Story! Her strong sense of self and joy and compassion and spunk are reminders to me at 31 to have child-like faith and love. As someone in an interracial marriage working on building a family these conversations will no doubt come up, and do within my marriage on a differently level. Thank you for sharing life and motherhood with us as an example of how to handle this topic with grace and love.
I literally had this same conversation with my 13 year old (who happens to be Korean) at 5:45 this morning as he recounted to me a racial slur directed at him at a basketball game last night. And then I sent him off on the bus and opened my blog reader to see this post at the top. I am so sorry this happened, but appreciate that you shared both the story and how you encouraged your daughter and kids.
This was a reminder to anyone who thinks we left all this behind years ago that it’s still alive–no matter how progressive we think our country is. My son and family have 2 little girls (23 mos & 4 mos) and are expecting their first foster baby in March. They’re fostering to adopt and I’m thinking there will be at least 2 children added to their family. I said to my husband “It’ll be so much fun to see what color we get!” And I mean it. I’m tucking away your post for the day(s) we will most surely need to re-read it and be encouraged by what you so eloquently shared. I have no doubt but what you are absolutely right–Story will survive and get through this, in part, because she has the support of a family who loves her and the love of a God who wonderfully created and gifted her.
PS–I was at your very first Happy Hour Live and am so bummed that I’ve not been able to make it back to another one. Loved it and love your podcast. Thank you for introducing me to so many amazing women.
This made me so sad to read. Thank you for sharing. Story was in CoCos class last year and whenever we see her she always has a beaming smile on her face. Thinking that someone did or said something to take that away is truly heartbreaking.
Thank you for this post. My African-American daughter is 9 also and my husband and I have adopted she and her 3 brothers from foster care (we are pale as can be ). It is totally heartbreaking to hear some of the stories that my kids come home with. Sometimes, it worries me that there are more stories they are not telling. A boy told my daughter on the bus that she was so black he couldn’t see her at night. She was in the 1st grade. Thankfully, as we talked about it and I asked her if that hurt she said, “Not really, he’s mean to everyone.” We talked about the fact that if the only thing he could find to be use to be mean to her was her gorgeous skin then she must be doing pretty good. I was so thankful that at the time she could view it as HIS problem – not hers. Two years and a few incidents later I worry about the buildup on her soul. I went to a class once for trans-racial parents and the leader of that class said to me “The world will beat your daughter down daily for African American women are the lowest on the totem pole of our society. Your job is to pour into her daily God’s truth about her. Love, Love, Love.” That has stuck with me and is my goal everyday. Sound like it is yours too! Thank you Jamie!
Joy – as a 46 year old African American woman I can relate to that leader’s comment about the world beating us down. I think your insight about the “the build up on her soul” is profound. It’s real and true. While it is part of your job to pour into her daily as a parent – I can tell you that it’s her God identity that will sustain her through the seasons. Keep her in the presence of God as much as possible and affirm she is made in His image. It is the identity I’ve found – and return to continually. Who I am in Jesus.. Not apatt from the fact that HE intentionally made me a beautiful black woman – also in His image. He WANTED me this way because I’m an expression of His love, creativity and beauty. INTENTIONALLY. It’s taken me a while to get there and I’m still journeying. All of that to say, embracing her blackness and her faith is embracing God in a special and significant way. It’s both/and – not either/or. Hope this helps. Much love.
Thank you, Carla. As the mama of a beautiful brown 4 year-old girl, I so appreciate the this wisdom and encouragement. “He WANTED me this way because I’m an expression of His love, creativity and beauty. INTENTIONALLY.
Thanks for sharing. As a Black British Woman, I have faced racism in ways that seem very normal but I want to say that Racism is not ok! It hurts my heart even now. I hope Story embraces who she is and the amazing beautiful people she comes from. I wish I knew more of the people I came from, I think when I got knocked off my feet by another cruel jib, I would find comfort and confidence who God made me and the wonderful people I came from. I am now learning so much now in my 30’s about black history especially unforgotten amazing black woman like Jane Bolin, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Mary Mahoney that has made history so rich and beautiful.