Parental mistake #894

Being a parent is so incredibly hard.  I always feel as though my actions and words are being heard and seen by a little child that is a sponge and picks them all up.  My kids pick up the good and unfortunately they pick up the bad as well.

I feel so small this morning.  I feel as though I have said something to my child that he remembers, thinks about and it bothers him.  I wish I could go back about two weeks and choose my words better to my little boy.

On our first Sunday to our new church Cayden insisted on tucking in his shirt.  It honestly looked very dorky tucked in and I didn't like it one bit.  BUT if he wants to do it, then it's his deal.  Not a big deal.  I was going to let him do it, but I was also going to try and talk him out of it.

I told him that Daddy never tucks in his shirt.  That didn't work.

I told him that Bush never tucks in his shirt.  That didn't work.

I then told him that it didn't look good like that.  He disagreed.

THEN I said what I wish I could take back.  I said what I had no idea he would remember and recall.  I said what today I'm regretting.

I told him that the kids would laugh at him.

GASP I know – what the heck was I thinking.  It just came out before I could even think of how those words could grab ahold of him.

Fast forward to today and we're getting ready for our first day of school.  We're making it a big deal and talking all about it.  Daddy is making his favorite breakfast, oatmeal, and I've got his backpack, lunch box and nap mat all ready to go.

I've got him dressed in his coolest, little boy clothes.  I go to fix his hair and I ask him how he wants it done.  He told me “handsome, like Nana does it”.  Okay I make it handsome, and and he looks so super handsome.

This was odd b/c he normally is the first one to want crazy-rock-n-roll hair.  When we asked him why he didn't he said ….. yeap you guessed it ….. I DON'T WANT THE KIDS TO LAUGH AT ME.

Oh my heart sank.  I looked at Aaron and my eyes got tears in them.  We reassured him that no one would make fun of him, and if they did it didn't matter, b/c he liked it and could wear his hair how ever he wanted.  We reassured him and reassured him.  Then he dropped it and ran off and played like a little boy.

But I didn't run off.  I explained what had happened 2 weeks earlier to Aaron and my heart hurt for the feeling of insecurity in my little boy had been placed there my none other than his mommy.

I'm hurting over this.  I know how much words can stick with someone and my goal now is to try and reverse those words I carelessly threw out there to my little, sensitive four year old.

Parenting is hard.  We will do great things and we will all screw up and do stupid things.  I hate the screwing up and doing stupid things.  I must remember that I'm only human and we will all make mistakes.

I hurt when I hurt my kids.