The summer that we were waiting for our profile to be chosen was so excruciating to me. Looking back now it was not bad at all, especially compared to our Haitian adoption wait. But at the time I felt as though each day was drawn out for months. There are some parts of adoption that are so difficult to understand and comprehend that I am convinced it can only be a God thing. I'm a believer in the sovereignty of God and therefore that brings me comfort. Comfort in the fact that I know that God is in control, he has a plan and he knows all.
When you fill out your profile you must specify all that you are open for and not open for. You feel as though you are saying “yes” to some babies and “no” to some babies. It is so hard. It honestly might be one of the hardest forms you have ever filled out in your entire life. As we were waiting I was constantly praying for all the moms that would be viewing our profile. Praying for them to know where God was leading them. Praying for them to have the power to parent if they can and want to, but if not the power to place. Both are hard. Neither are the same. God must be with you on both.
The call I'll never forget came when I was with Aaron at a Student Life camp in Chattanooga, TN. Our office called and asked if we could come in on Wed and meet a mom that was wanting to place her child and had wanted to meet with us. Aaron couldn't b/c he was going on to another camp, but that week I went in to our office to meet a mom that will forever be on my heart. Her name was Shannon* and had a 4 month old baby that she was wanting to place named Joshua*. I knew going into this meeting that she already had a baby that she was wanting to place. My heart hurt for her. I couldn't even imagine the pain and sorrow that she was going through. I mean can you even imagine the agony she had to be in to be going into a meeting to meet a woman that she might or might not ask to parent her four month old child.
I had decided that even if we weren't this child's future parents that I would show this mom love. I would tell her that her life had worth, I would share my story and how I had felt her pain before. I would tell her that God has a plan for her life even if in the midst of the most pain she's ever been in she didn't feel it. I would love her no matter what.
We met and it was awkward. There is no way that can't be awkward. She showed me pictures of her son and of course I was in love. Our meeting went well and I was in love. I felt confident that if she chose us that I would be this childs mom, and live happily ever after. I left and was told to wait.
I called to check.
They said to wait.
They hadn't heard from her. In fact they didn't hear from her again.
I cried for her. I didn't cry because she didn't pick us, but I cried because I knew she was in pain. I cried for her, not for me. I begged God to care for her, protect her and help her be a great momma. I begged God to take care of that baby.