I hate that there are orphans. I hate that there is death. I hate that some people go hungry each day. I hate abandonment. I hate cancer. I hate poverty. I hate it all.
The good thing about this is that this earth is not the end. One day it will all be how it's supposed to be. There will be no more death. There will be no more orphans. There will be no more hunger. There will be no more abandoned children.
Until then, we must deal with the painful things of this world. One of those painful things is knowing that a child of mine has been through some of those painful things in their short years of life. All he's been through is not mine to share, but it's tragic for a boy that's only six.
Some days Amos goes through the day as if he's been here forever. Other days it's very evident that he has been through hell and back to get here. My boy has been abandoned by everyone he's ever known (including us each time we visited and left) and it has left some nasty scars on his heart. Scars that I can NEVER change, but I do put my hope in Jesus for his scars. I AM CONFIDENT that Jesus is bigger than any crap Amos has been through.
Tonight I was once again reminded that this child is still scared to love completely and unconditionally. He is so scared to accept us and so scared to trust that I'm not leaving him. Amos was sitting in my room after getting in trouble and I went in to do what we always do after a child is in trouble and has been punished for their behavior. I asked him to come talk to me. I asked him to hold my hands. He refused. I tried to grab his hands. He pulled them away. I very calmly asked him to hold my hands and he very sternly said no. I explained that we weren't moving on until we held hands, and that I loved him so much that I wanted to touch him.
Finally after what seemed like forever he held my hands, even if he did have a look that could kill. I looked in his eyes and told him how much I loved him and that I was not mad at him. We do the same routine each time a kid gets in trouble. It goes like this.
Child disobeyes
Child is taken to another room to talk about behavior and heart attitude
Child receives their discipline
Parent asks child why they were disciplined
Child says what happened.
Parent hugs child and tells them they are not mad at them and that they love them.
Child hugs back and tells parent he/she loves parent.
SAME routine every single time. We try very hard to not discipline at the spur of the moment, and instead take them away from others to keep them from being humiliated and discipline out of love as their parents. We don't take discipline lightly. We are trying to modify the heart of our children and not just their behavior, and this takes time. (this is our goal … do i screw up? yes. GOD help me as I try to be the best mom possible to my kids)
Tonight I did the same thing I always do. After Amos finally gave in to holding my hands we talked about what had happened. At the end he started crying. I asked him why and he said “because you are mad at me”.
He had never understood that part. I AM NOT MAD AT YOU. For him he had never heard that and in his mind he sees it this way. DISCIPLINE = MOM/DAD MAD AT YOU.
Oh my heart broke because it clicked. He thinks each time he is disciplined that I'm mad at him. Now granted a lot of times his (and his bro & sis) actions do make me mad. But I try my hardest to never discipline out of anger. Never. It is never pretty when one does that and always leads to parents apologizing to their kids.
So, I reassured him hundreds of times that mommy was not mad at him. That I did not like his choice to disobey mommy, but that I wasn't mad at him and that I love him dearly. He is very conditional with his love and in this moment he told me that he loved me a little bit even though I loved him a whole lot. (that's another day and another post, but if things are good Amos loves me like crazy and if things are bad he does not like me. any other adoptive parents get this?)
After lots of hugging and holding he got up to leave and started bawling. I held him and rubbed his back as he bawled. Finally he was able to talk and when I asked what was wrong he told me he missed Carson (our dog that left us about 6 months ago!). I held him and talked about how happy Carson probably is, even though I knew for sure this wasn't the real reason. I honestly thing he didn't know what was wrong but he had a very hard time understanding and accepting my love. His emotions couldn't handle that I love him that much. I said the same phrases I always say.
“I'll never leave you.”
“you're an Ivey.”
“God chose me to be your mommy.
“we're stuck together forever.”
“you are my son.”
I said those phrases over and over to him and he cried and cried. My baby has scars. My baby is scared. My baby is learning that this momma will never leave him. My son is still feeling that if he messes up and gets in trouble that we're mad, don't want him and are going to leave him.
Adoption is not pretty. Oh don't misunderstand me, adoption is fabulous, but it is messy. It is dirty. Kids lives are effected. I am so thankful each day for my children. God has taken us through the furnace to get to them and I can easily say I would walk through that furnace a hundred times over to have my kids. Those 2 years of waiting were some of the hardest years of my life (the hardest was our first year home!), but I would do them again to get here.
So, I say all this not to just tell you about a crazy 35 minutes at my house tonight, but to give you a small glimpse into a home with a child that has been hurt. I love my kids like crazy, and slowly but surely I think he'll love me like crazy one day.
Even if I make really bad choices at places to get his hair cut! Poor kid …..
Good thing is that he has no clue that this is awful and crooked. He LOVES it!
**I wrote this about two weeks ago and have lingered on it. It's a rough glimpse into our lives some days. Not all days are like this. 90% are not. But sometimes they are. That's just the truth.
Tugged at my heartstrings. Thank you Jamie for sharing. You are an awesome Mommy and your kiddos are blessed for having you.
Oh girl I’m with you. It’s so hard to hear my boy say to his sisters, “i really don’t like her!” Ugh. That’s heartbreaking. Mine is finally somedays saying I love you without provocation and meaning it, not just trying to make me like him more or filling in dead space in a conversation. I dread the day when be might decide he doesn’t love me and wants to go live with his first mom. Or stays mad at me because I don’t let him stay with her. I can only hope that someday he will really be forever mine and will have that security instead of the unknown of whether he might have to leave and go live with her.
just a thought..and PLEASE don’t take it as judgement, but i’m just spewing back things i have read in books…maybe amos shouldn’t be separated from you when he gets in trouble. you wrote “he was in my room and when i went back in…” so you left him…but came back..but you left him when he was disciplined and sensed he had done wrong. this leaving may certainly say “conditional” to him. maybe stay with amos, or keep him near you, but restrict his activity???? just a thought.
Thanks Cathleen and no judgement taken. This particular time I had to leave for some reason b/c I was home alone and there are 3 other small people here that were needing something. Normally (like today) it all goes down in one setting. Just sometimes life gets in the way.
when he first came home we did time out’s in our lap. Yeah very annoying on the parents part, but so worth it. he was taken away from his activity and had to be stuck with me (the person he hated most!) for the time being. Those were awful. Always turned to fits, but always led to him breaking down and then melting in my arms and lots of love at the end.
Now time outs could be anywhere and will land you in your room alone if you are screaming a fit (he doesn’t do that, but someone else does and I won’t name any names!!!)
Thanks girl.
Wow, Jamie – I stumbled on your blog somehow, and I loved this beautiful post. This is Advanced Parenting you’re tackling, but it just feels so close to the heart of God to me. I like to think I was born into Him, but I was adopted and scarred…and I was probably His hardest year ever. 🙂 Abundant, overwhelming blessings on your mom-heart and your family and your dear Amos. May he soon know the joy of loving like crazy.
Jamie – Once again you brought me to tears reading your blog……ok, lets just say that after having Brooklyn (my 8 week old daughter) I have been more emotional than usual, but you really know how to touch my heart. Thank you for sharing this story, and I hope to have the strength to dicipline as lovingly and as patiently as you do. No one ever tells you all the struggles your going to go through when you decide to become a mom, but as you know they are all worth it.
Can I be honest? This made me cry. In a good way. I see God’s love so deeply in how you take care of Amos. It makes me wish I had been told some of those things growing up and I guess that’s still an area God needs to heal in my heart that I wasn’t fully aware of till now. I can’t tell you how amazing it is for me to see God’s heart through you and Aaron loving your kiddos. Beautiful, Jamie. You may feel like your doing terrible some days, but I promise you, keep loving them like you’re doing and God will take care of the rest.
well, i’m in tears sitting at my desk at work. you really have been given the gift of parenting. i hope when (LORD willing!) i become a parent, i am half as loving as you. this is such an amazing picture of how God loves us.
Well Nikki, not sure I have a gift. Most of the time I’m a complete failure and trying to figure out how to love my kids better! Here’s what I’m trying to remember….. I am human. I suck at life/parenting/loving/giving/sacrifice/EVERYTHING. I’m trying really hard to not only rely on God for my faith and love in things outside the home, but also inside the home. I sometimes am really bad at all the above, but I’m learning to pray and pray and pray some more. I’m such a work in progress and your comments makes it sound as if I have it going on. Not true, but I’m still thankful for your words. 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement. Jut trying to keep it real to show others that we’re all in this boat of parenting together!!!
I’m about to say something incredibly spiritually profound: “Yer awesome.” There it is. The Ivey’s are like superhero’s to the Hatmakers.
J has been home for almost 2 years. He will be 14 the end of Sept. He still equates being in trouble with Mom and Dad are mad at you and will send you back to Haiti. We’re working on it. Things are so much better than they used to be.
Wow, this is a beautiful post. Just last night, my daughter was upset that I wanted to go to the grocery store, and I was telling her, “I am your mama. I love you. And, I will always come back.” It’s hard… I feel so frustrated sometimes, just like we’re treading water. I think it’s more like we’re coming up for air, slowly so we don’t get the bends.
I am sorry to hear you use corporal punishment against children who have been traumatized. Violence against children has been proven in studies time and time again to be bad for their emotional well-being. It teaches them that violence is a way to solve problems and that bigger people have the right to physically dominate smaller weaker people. It is very scary to think of it being used against children who have likely already experienced violence and are trying to heal from it.
Sarah thanks for your comment, but I don’t think we use corporal punishment against our kids. 🙂
So what exactly do you mean “child receives their discipline” if not spanking? It sounds very sinister and I thought it meant spanking (actually thought it said that too the first time around). Just curious.
Corporal punishment is defined as any punishment of a physical nature.
See this article as one example of why spanking is bad for kids.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html
Thanks Sarah. We do spank, so I’m not saying that we don’t. I can’t remember the last time one of our kids got a spanking, but we have spanked for things that we think are deserving. Thanks for your comments and I truly believe that everyone can have different opinions on this issue. We do not spank out of anger ever, and there is a very specific way that we love our children through the whole discipline. There are other ways that a “child receives their discipline” … time out’s, time in’s (we did this a lot when Amos first got home), writing sentences, doing extra chores ….
The title of the article caught my attention,”One day he will love me like crazy.” Change the “he” to a “she” and that is the deepest desire of my heart right now! That my daughter who I adopted at age 6 and who is now 16 will one day love me like crazy. Little did I know that my perfect little girl was not perfect because she was alright, but because she was not in touch w her feelings… and never felt safe enough to open her heart to us. No matter how much we tell her we love her and will never leave her, she doesn’t know how to open up and bond w us. Don’t get me wrong, she is not a rebel or anything, she just remains “neutral.” Oh how my heart longs for the day she will love me like crazy!! But that might never happen. Today I understand how God feels. He loves us SO much, but a lot of the times our love back to Him is lukewarm…..