I keep hearing that we're close to the end with Story. We are so close. We are so close.
But yet I feel so far away. I feel as though this will never end. I feel as though I can say we're close to the end when we're on the flight from FL to Austin. Then we'll be close to the end. Close to home. Close to being a real family that is all together.
I recently had one of those big melt downs where you give God a piece of your mind. It was not pretty. It lead to lots of tears, sobbing, pleading, yelling and other stuff that “normal good Christians” just don't do. I felt as though I had been holding it in for so long and being so strong and then wow it all came pouring out. It came pouring out after me spending a good time alone and silent. I prayed to God. Begged for my children to be released. Pleaded. Made those promises I used to make in high school. You know that ones that go like this. IF you bring my kids home THEN I will NEVER do _____ again. You can fill in the blank with whatever. Then I got pissed that he didn't take me up on my offer. I mean I was offering up some good stuff to Him.
This morning we sang a song at church that brought up so many emotions in me.
It says …. You are all I need …. You are my portion … I believe that you are more than enough for me …. You walk with me through fire …. Nothing is impossible with you
Those are strong words. Big words.
Honestly all that is very hard for me to say sometimes. When it says “nothing is impossible with you” I would sing that and then add on my own tag line. My song went something like this … “nothing is impossible with you – so BRING MY KIDS HOME NOW”. That's a nice way to talk to God isn't it. It kept coming out. It was as if I couldn't stop it from coming into my head.
You know although I am having some hard times these past two weeks, I am still believing. I am still trusting. I am having a hard time with it 23 hours out of the day, but I am constantly striving to control those emotions and give in and trust 100%. Some days I do great. Others, I yell at God and try to make shady deals with him. As if he needs my deals.
I’m with ya sister. I had a night like that myself, just last night. Not over the same thing, but something similar. Very sad, but even more sad that I find myself feeling like I somehow deserve control over the situation. Last night, even through my fury, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me of the sermon at my church yesterday from Psalm 93. The points of the sermon were about how we make our problems seem so big in the grand scheme of things that we don’t trust that God can squash them, but through it all, He still reigns, is mighty and is trustworthy. I’m still trying to meditate on these verses:
“The Lord reigns, he is robed in majesty; the Lord is robed in majesty and is armed with strength. The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved. Your throne was established long ago; you are from all eternity. The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunders of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea – the Lord on high mighty.” -Psalm 93:1-4
Anyways, I’m praying for you and hope these verses encourage you today, as they are encouraging me!! Remember – our God is, and always has been, mightier than the thundering waters of this world!
Me and and four J’s (Jim, Jana, Jadyn and JOY) all lift up your sweet S & A nightly, we will keep praying them home…..all of us:)!! Each time I come back to your blog, I wonder….could this be the day, because, I just know, no, I beyond know:) God is hearing the cries of so many people for your precious Treasures who just are waiting to be Ivey’s!!
I hear ya. Boy do I.
Hello Dear Sister,
God may not “need” your deals, but He desires your heart. You said you were praying things “normal good Christians” don’t do….and I know your meaning, but I did want to encourage your spirit with this….please read Mark 14:32. He pleaded even to the point of tears of blood and yet he went forward knowing he needed to do what had been laid out before him to do.
I can NOT even imagine your misery over those precious babes….because I have never experienced it. I can’t imagine how painful time must seem while waiting for the lives or your children to be juggled around by strangers, Waiting for an unreasonable process of endless paper and time. But I do know and have experienced this….the battle is always thickest, darkest, and bloody towards the victory line. You are battling for the lives of those innocents and the victory line is just on the horizon. Please read this scripture also. Ephesians 6:10-18……we know you will stand the ground and you needed to vent….The beauty of blogging is you have so many friends (and strangers who are now friends) praying for you and your littles!
Can’t wait to see the pictures you will post of your kids in their new home! Beautiful family pics galore because your arms will be filled with love and then your heart can be at rest….
love your recipes and your stories. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been really praying for your kids to come home soon. I am reading the book about prayer and it says to pick 3 specific things to pray for and then see if God answeres them by the time you finish the book, one of mine was that your kids get to come home soon!:) Please Lord! hang in there, Amy