Parenting children that enter your home through adoption at an older age is a little different. I feel like I answer the same questions all day long from Amos. Where we going next? What we eating now? Every night when I tuck him into bed he asks the same question. “What we eating for breakfast?”. Every single night. Not a night goes by that he doesn't ask me that.
I am starting to realize that he really desires control. I mean I knew that in other ways that he demonstrates that need, but I'm starting to really see it more in regular every day activities. He needs control. He has never ever had control and he desires that so much.
I think I'm going to start letting him pick out his breakfast before we go to bed. Yes this is an inconvenience for me, but really it's not that big of a deal. It's just not how I'm used to doing things. I'm more of a last minute type of person with breakfast around here, but I'm going to try this and see if it helps him at night. Maybe this will give him confidence to sleep well b/c he already knows what he'll be eating.
I'm seeing this need to know what's happening this week as well. We had family in town this weekend and that was great but it kinds throws him off. He doesn't understand why people have to leave. He cried himself to sleep for Nana and Pops b/c they had left. He didn't understand why they had to leave. We have a lot going on in the next few weeks and I'm afraid this might be hard for him. Lots of traveling. Lots of new stuff. Lots of holiday stuff.
I'm going to make him a calendar this week that says when everything is happening. I usually don't tell him anything until it is about to happen. This saves him stress, and me my sanity from answering the same questions over and over and over again! I'm going to put on each day a picture of what is happening so he can keep up with things! We'll see how this works for him.
Parenting Amos makes me do things differently. Sometimes I struggle with doing things differently. Sometimes I want him to do things my way. The way we've always done them. The way the other kids do them. I have started praying for myself to relax and do things his way. To adjust to him. Some days I do it very well, and deserve lots of pats on the back. Other days I lay my head down at night and count my regrets.
We're all still learning around here. He's learning to trust. We're learning to parent differently. We're in this together though!
yes. yes. and yes.
thanks for sharing this.
Oh yeah. This is my life, too. Kind of a bummer that I’m a control freak myself. Can we say lessons in humility?
Yuppers.
We still keep a meal calendar on the fridge. And one of my kids still checks it before every. single. meal. Nothing verbal anymore, but a HUGE comfort for them.
One of the biggest rages, ever, was after grandparents left after a visit.
We have done calendars and even note cards with approximate schedules, etc. The calendars are GREAT because when they start with the constant barrage of questions, I say, “Go get your calendar and show me when we go to Mamaw and Papaw’s.” Same with the meal calendar. Adds a new motor memory by them going and getting it and verbalizing it.
We also, for about a year, prescribed fits and bad behavior immediately after we, or guests, left. “Let’s go ahead and throw a fit and then be really snappy when talking to me! We’re mad that we had to leave Grandma’s, so let’s get it out!” And we’d do it! 🙂
Love this post. I don’t have any adopted kids but it’s a great lesson for me to remember that each of my kids needs something different from me. Thanks for the reminder. Happy Thanksgiving.
Amen! J is not as bad about it as he used to be. He is anal about time. T changed all the clocks one day and I thought J was going to cry. He is always asking about the next meal and what time are we going to do x. It seems to comfort him to know these things ahead of time so I do what I can to prepare him.
Amy
P.S. I think it’s more about comfort than control. At least I think it is with J.
Thanks for this. I’ve been reaching some of the same conclusions, particularly about not telling T stuff before it actually happens because it makes him so anxious. And if by some chance things don’t go as planned, then we’re in massive meltdown territory. Thanksgiving today is going to be a nice surprise for him!
Hi Jamie, I don’t comment much, but wanted to let you know that this post really resonates with me. My almost 7yo daughter sounds a lot like Amos. She’s been home almost 3 years now and it does get better. Hang in there, this is a tough time of year.
Mary
PS. Love Christine’s ideas about the meal calendar and schedule. Thanks, Christine.
Yikes, my daughter has a need for micro control whenever we have a change in routine. This holiday is a big change, and even though we are dedicating hours at a time to keeping her anxiety down it pops back up constantly. I mean, constantly! Constantly! Good luck, I hope the breakfast idea works out!
Jamie, It’s so neat that the Lord is showing you small, practical ways to help sweet Amos…little things make such a huge difference. I remember when we brought Eden home from China and a few months went by and bedtime became a huge problem…she was so anxious about us being there when she woke up. So, we started doing a picture bedtime chart where she would “check off” what we did each night. Part of that was to lay out clothes for the next day, and choose one activity to do the next day (library, park, etc.). Even at 2 years old, making plans for the next day and laying out clothes gave her security that when she woke up, we would still be together in the same place. I look forward to hearing if and how your changes help Amos. Praying for yall!
Hey Jamie,
Have you read any of the “Love and Logic” parenting books? They are all about empowering children to learn to make good choices and think things through, rather than blindly obeying parents. We LOVE them and I find that most of their techniques are really helpful for some of the issues that come up post-adoption. They show how to give lots of power (through choice making) to children, reserving the power for really important decisions to the parents.
Our oldest really flourishes when we let him make lots of choices and he feels in control. I think for children who have had adoption happen to them (that is, other people have made decisions that mean they are separated from their biological family and all the aftermath of that experience), having control is a big deal throughout life.
Predictability in routine is also huge and helps our kids settle and relax. Challenging during the holidays, I know, but the more you can help them anticipate the changes, the better. Great job Jamie! You’re doing awesome, mama!
K – yes i have had several people recommend these books that today just might be my day on Amazon to go and order them! Holiday’s are going to be hard, b/c we are so busy, but I just cancelled a party that I was throwing to try to bring more stability for my sweet Amos and probably won’t go to a party tonight b/c it would require a babysitter. It’s okay. I will miss those parties, but my baby comes first.
Hope you guys are doing great!