Lately I've been feeling this dryness in my soul that I can't explain. It's breeding insecurity in me, and self consciousness like I've never felt before. It's making me worry more than normal, and to fear things that I have once loved. I asked Aaron last night if he thought I was a crazy person. He laughed and told me no, although I think deep inside we're all crazy, right?
I am trying to figure out this altering in my soul, and although I don't have an answer yet, I feel like for the first time in months I'm moving towards something, and let me tell you the fact that I'm moving feels good and scary all in one.
It's as if I've been on coast for a full year of my life. I'm coasting through parenting, I'm coasting through friendships, I'm coasting through ministry, and worst of all I'm coasting through my relationship with my savior, Jesus. The thing about coasting is that you never speed up and you never slow down. Everything is always the same. There's no growth and there's no slowing down either. When you are coasting you feel as though this is right, and you don't even realize when those around you slow down or speed up. Life is changing and you aren't. People are hurting and growing and all you see is yourself. It's a horrible place, and I think I'm there.
I have no idea how I got here, and I'm not sure if I need to figure that out first, or just figure out how to turn off the dang coast in my life. I want more. I want passion for life, for Jesus, for those around me. I used to feel that. I can't feel it right now. The lingering smell is here, but I've lost touch of it, and that frightens and frustrates me off all in one.
His mercy and grace is new and today I'm soaking that in. Oh Jesus you never let go of me, and in times of coasting I'm forever grateful that my relationship doesn't depend on me, because I would fail you so much and let go of you time and time again. Yet you will never let go of me. I'm yours, and you have me. Thank you for keeping me and persevering me to the end. You are the ONLY way I will make it and not coast my way to the finish line.
{Picture used with permission from Flickr Creative Commons}
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