On the way home from the beach last week I had a great conversation with my best friend. She not only gets me as a person and knows me inside and out, but she herself is parenting a child with special needs and understands the joys and pains that go along with that. Amos has needs that are unique to his situation right now. Will he always be this way? No. Will he always need the extra love and attention? Probably not. Will he always try to push me away and see how far he can push my buttons? Gosh I sure hope not. But for now, he is my special needs little boy, who needs way more from momma than any of my other kids do.
While at the beach we had a great time. The kids played and I enjoyed myself mostly at night when all the kids were in bed and Debra and just relaxed, watched tv, chatted and got online. The thing with being away is that it's just that, you are away from your normal routine and your normal life and for kids like Amos that can spin him way out of control. Now for the most part, he did great. Really good. We had a few instances and I could see them coming a mile away and hopefully intercepted them fairly well as to avoid a major breakdown. Most of the hard times were first thing in the morning, when he was ready to go and well, mom was no quite ready to go. Lots of buttons being pushed then.
It was on that ride home that I talked to Amy and told her about these chest pains that I had been having previous to the trip and then during the trip. It was as if my chest was heavy and caving in. Of course, me being the hypocondriac that I am I immediately thought I was having a heart attach like my mom. Oh goodness, my brain can take me to some crazy places.
The more I talked about them though, the more I realized when the pain started and when it was worse. I twas always during an issue with Amos, right after one, or when I was literally just replaying them in my mind (which I do ALL the time to see if I did the right thing). She told me it might be anxiety.
What? Anxiety. For real.
Anyhow …. she told me that I should go and visit my doctor and he could probably get me on some medicine. Just the thought of that gave me chest pains! I just knew he would tell me that I needed to suck it up, get back to being a mom and remind me that I asked for all these kids so I needed to deal with it. I was certain that would be how it would go.
That weekend I went to my parents and had extra hands to help and that was great, but I was still feeling tired and overwhelmed and ready to be home in my house with my hubby to help me out. When we got home I started talked to Aaron about the conversation that Amy and I had and he was super supportive. Way more than I thought. You see for weeks, Aaron has looked at me and asked “what is wrong with you? you just don't seem yourself.” I never knew what to say, because I didn't yet know what was wrong, but I knew I just felt off.
The past 6 weeks and really past few months have been very hard on me. I've felt isolated b/c of us wanting to stay home so much with the kids. I've felt out of the loop since I haven't joined my mom's group since Amos arrived home. I've felt alone since most of my friends have fairly “normal” kids that don't do some of the stuff that Amos does to us. I've felt lots of guilt for getting frustrated with him for stuff that he can't help b/c he has been hurt so much in his lifetime. I've felt smothered by a son that wants to be at my feet ALL DAY LONG and then the feelings of guilt wash over me for feeling smothered by something that I wanted for so long and by someone that I love so much.
You see this ugly vicious cycle that I have gotten caught up in. Frustration. Guilt. Anger. Guilt. Frustration. Guilt. It's ugly. Nothing good about it.
Last week I made the call that I had been dreading forever. I called my doctor's office to schedule an appointment with him. The first time I called and they asked for the reason for my appointment I hung up. I mean what was I to say …. “Hi I am Jamie, I have four kids, one is a hurt child and does things that he doesn't really mean to do and by the end of each day I think I'm losing my mind and having chest pains.” I thought for sure she would tell me to stay seated and that they would be sending someone over soon with a little jacket for me to wear and my husband and kids could visit once a week. The loony bin is where I thought I was going, b/c some days that is how I felt.
I called Amy, told her I hung up and she told me to call back and she told me just what to say.
Okay trying again. This time I did it. I told them I was having some emotional issues I wanted to talk to him about. No more questions. Good. Appointment made.
That brings us to a week ago when Aaron, myself and two kids walked into our doctor's office to talk about my life. I was so nervous that I was having chest pains. I just knew he would tell me to pray more, read my bible more, get up earlier, take more vitamins, or something.
Doc came in and we small talked for a second (he's friends with Aaron and me with his wife – could be awkward, but a blessing this time) and then we got right to the point. Of course I started crying. Telling him that 4 months ago Story came home, 6 weeks ago Amos came home, a week later my mom had a heart attach, a week later she had another one and then we just have been doing life and it's been hard for me. Wow. I said it all and of course was crying. He was amazing and listened and Aaron chimed in when I tried to downplay something.
Then began one of the most wonderful doctor experiences I have ever had. First he told me that I needed to deal w/ my pride with this issue. The fact that I hadn't talk about this with my girls (band wives) was an issue of pride. He said I needed to get that right. He told me how important community is for me right now, and that I need to have women in my life praying for me and knowing my struggles so they can help and know how to pray. Then he talked to me about getting in the word more and making sure that it's a priority in my life. Honestly with four kids, I would say I'm in the word 4, maybe 5 days a week. He talked about my prayer life and how that needed to be.
Yeap all this with my OBGYN. You are jealous, aren't you!
Then we talked about medicine. He wasn't sure how we felt about medicine and I assured him that I was not opposed to it. I told him that I can't keep going like I am each day. I will lose it or collapse or both. He was completely understanding of my feelings and we talked about different things. He gave me 3 prescriptions. One for every day. One for sleeping and one for “oh my word it's the end of the world I need something now or I'll blow” – I'm hoping I don't ever need that one. 🙂
So there you go. I am a mom that was having a hard time. I talked about it with my husband. He supported me. I visited my doctor. He listened to me. He prayed over me the most sincere prayer I have had prayed over me in a very long time. He prescribed me some medicine to help me out.
I said it. I needed help.
I still need help.
I'm clinging to Jesus more than ever.