Yeap that's me. Look at the red and white look I have going on. You would have thought I took this on the Fourth of July! This is actually taken on the first day of school of my 9th grade year. I have four years of high school staring at me in the face and I have no idea what's in front of me. I was not prepared for high school one bit.
No one prepared me for the pressure to do stuff with guys.
No one prepared me for the gossip that could tear friends apart.
No one prepared me for the fight of being on a good athletic team.
No one prepared me for the thoughts of wondering if you fit in.
No one prepared me for the drama that can occur at the drop of a hat.
High School is a hard time in a girls life and I don't feel as though I knew that going into it. If I had known these things my high school years might have turned out differently. You see I wasn't chasing after Jesus. In fact I'm not even sure I knew Jesus then. I surely didn't act like it. I surely didn't hurt by things that hurt God. I surely didn't care about anyone but myself.
I wasn't even a bad kid. I was a good kid. I got good grades, I did good in sports, and had lots of friends. I even served on leadership in FCA and on the outside had it all going on.
But the inside was a different story. I was desiring attention and love from places that would ultimately only let me down. For some reason I felt more loved and secure when I had a boyfriend. This meant that my entire high school career I always had a boyfriend. I didn't date around, I had a boyfriend that I was serious with and when that didn't work out I had another one. I was looking for something to fill me and at the time didn't have a clue what would do that.
I quickly learned what kept a guy around and for that I am so regretful. Those decisions made in high school ultimately effect your entire life and no one tells you this. I could only see my life as a 16 year old and not as a 31 year old with 4 kids and a husband. Life is hard to see when you are only focused on yourself.
When I look at that picture above, I wish that I could sit next to that girl on the couch and share my heart with her. I wish I could fill her in on what lies ahead, and share with her what to watch out for in life. I wish I could tell her that she is worth more than any whispers a guy might tell her to get what he wants. I wish I could tell her to cherish friendships and truly love your girl friends in high school. I wish I could tell her to listen more. To care more. To love more. True love, not self-centered love. I wish I could tell her to meet more people and be friends with everyone. I would tell her that life is meant to be lived in abundance. I wish I could tell her to serve more. To get out of her box and do something. I have so much I would tell that girl sitting on that couch.
But would that girl listen?
Oh, this makes me cry. I so wish I could go back and talk to my younger self, too. I suppose God uses it all anyways, but man the mistakes I could have avoided . . .
Big, fat ditto.
I OFTEN wonder this about myself too…
you just wrote my high school story. i now have a huge lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes. i wish i’d made many different choices…all you wrote about. thank you for sharing. thank you, jesus, for loving me when i was unlovable. and thank you, jesus, i don’t have to go back to high school and live it again:)
This makes me think about my “younger” years also and pray that my 12 year old niece (and someday my kids) listen to what I say about my experiences and how they can not follow my path.
I compeltely understand where you’re coming from. I was talking to John about this the other day. I hope that we can better prepare our future children for this.
Yep..you made me cry too. Those paths in high school laid such a deep emotional foundation, one that takes years to replace once a decision is made to follow Jesus. Years…and I pray if and when dementia sets in I skip over reliving high school and just go back to elementary…where my Barbies had to deal with the difficult issues.
Blessings on you and your family.
I just read this to my older children and had a talk. It was wonderful and written so well. Thanks for giving us a starting point and a direction and how to talk to my kids about the decisions that they make now and how it will ultimately affect them later. And what will FILL them in the long term! HE will. 🙂
Hugs and LOVE!
Oh Jamie I feel this way SO often, and the truth is I have to fight the anger of no one telling me these things. I have to remind myself that God was just as sovereign then as He is now, and that He had me in his hands long before I knew he was there… but I also try to really pour into the teenage girls I know, no matter where we are, and just be REAL about my life back then. I’m praying for the chance to disciple young women in that particular stage of life because of stuff life this.
Jamie, I hope to meet you someday, you sound like a fascinating person. I love how you are so real and easy for someone like me to relate to. This was very much me as well “back in the day”, and I’ve felt so alone, seemingly surrounded by “perfect” people. Although I know that isn’t true, you helped me to see that even truly good people can have a rocky past.
I recently visited the Rescue Center on a mission trip and got to meet your son Amos. He is an absolutely beautiful kid with such a radiant smile and spunky personality!
God bless!
I want to let you know I was looking through your entry titles in my reader, and for some reason this one just stuck out to me, and I read it… and O, Jamie… I sit here on the verge of tears because of the truth you just spoke to me. If I could talk to the me I was at 15, all the way thru high school and into the first two years of college, I wonder where I would be now. If I really could have talked sense into who I was, I wonder if I could have changed her mind. Wow, the mistakes I made that still haunt me. What a waste all I gave away.
I feel this is how MY 16 year old feels NOW….i am printing this off and showing it to her…we dont communicate very well as a rule so i wonder if this will make a difference……
I pray that my children will be motivated to make good decisions because of their relationship with Jesus. I made good decisions but often out of fear of my parents finding out etc. And that doesn’t deal with the true issue which was my heart! Love this post.