“I want to adopt, but my husband doesn't”
I hear that so many times. Usually the wife is looking at me with a deep despair and urgency. Her eyes are usually filled with tears and she seems to be wanting me to give her words of wisdom that will move her husband towards adoption, or give her the go ahead to move without him.
I have been there. Before we began our adoption of Amos and Story Aaron and I were on completely different pages about more children. I wanted more and he was done. It was a trying time in our marriage and I'm thankful that someone had poured some great truths into me and I shut my mouth and began to pray and allowed God to change Aaron's heart. I never could have done it on my own.
QUIT NAGGING
My first advice to you as the wife is to quit nagging your husband. The last thing your husband wants is you constantly nagging him about this. Nagging is awful by itself, but nagging your husband to adopt is extra awful. Tell me your husband is not going to feel like an awful person for not being moved for the orphan. You nagging is going to give him feelings of guilt, and honestly it's not guilt from you that needs to move his heart towards this. God's word says that “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike” (Prov 27:15) Ouch. I do not want to be as annoying as a continual dripping of water. You do not want your husband to change his mind and want to adopt because you wouldn't leave him alone about it.
PRAY
My second advice for you is to pray. That seems so “churchy”, but it brings such great truth to it as well. God listens to the prayers of his people. God wants you to ask him things. His word says just that. I would like to caution you about just praying what you want, and not being open to what God wants. There have been two different times in our marriage that Aaron and I have been on two different pages about things. Both times I prayed that God would bring us together on this issue. My big prayer went like this, “God I want to be united with Aaron. Change his heart on this OR change mine, but bring us together.” Asking God to change your heart is a big thing. Pray with the urgency that you feel for the orphan, but also pray with the urgency of God guiding this and moving your heart closer to your husband's. God can move his heart, but you can not. Allow God to do this. Ask him, no beg him, to bring you and your husband to the same page.
WAIT … PATIENTLY
My last advice is to wait. Allow God to do his thing. The last thing you want is for your husband to agree to adopt or foster because you won't quit talking about it. If this is the case, then when things get hard it is all YOUR fault for talking him into doing this. My friend, you do not want that. Wait on God and let him move. He knows your heart and knows your husband's. Allow him to bring those hearts together. Love your husband well as you wait. He's on a journey just like you, he just may be a few steps behind you. Don't make him feel bad for that, but yet love him, pray for him and watch as God brings you closer to your husband through this.
So ladies if you find yourself in a position of wanting to adopt/foster RIGHT NOW, I ask that you close your mouth about it, pray with a uncontrollable urgency, and wait patiently for God to move. God loves you. God loves your husband. God loves the orphan. God has a plan. Rest in that.
Sooooo true Jamie. I could testify to these truths all day long and twice on Sunday’s!!!!!
I second everything you’ve said here. This was EXACTLY how it happened for me. My husband felt our family was complete, and I believed his reasons not to adopt were selfish. So after the initial discussion I did not ask him again for two years. We did, however, join a small group focused on compassionate living and orphan care, on the premise of supporting our adopting friends. Before long more and more of our friends were taking that step and one by one kids started coming home. We went to an adoption conference too, since our group had volunteered to serve lunch. I didn’t expect much change, but I had been praying hard and specifically and I wasn’t the only one. After the conference I felt a STRONG prompt from the Holy Spirit to ask my husband again, why shouldn’t we adopt ourselves. Much to my shock he replied that his heart had changed and he was ready. He knew his excuses were selfish and worthless and he knew what God was calling us to. It took two years…but it was a 180 degree turn. God gets ALL the credit for it.
I LOVE that your first advice is :: My first advice to you as the wife is to quit nagging your husband.
That right there is a huge piece of advice all wives {including me!} need to keep in mind. Seriously. I can see Jonathan’s eyes gloss over, his posture change, his walls go up when the nagging starts. Clearly, not a good method of working together toward a common goal, right?!
I love you Jamie and all of your advice! The best part is that when we actually stop thinking about ourselves and our desires and just pray for our family, God moves. He knows my husband’s heart much more than I do, so why do I worry about what he is thinking? Why don’t I just stop being frustrated and pray for his sweet heart and for my heart to be one with Gods? It seems too simple sometimes!
Thanks girl 🙂
Ahh. So good- sending this to a few friends of mine. And it applies to those dealing with “I want to go overseas/this specific country and my spouse doesn’t,” as well. I know of plenty in both boats. Thanks, Jamie!
Just listened to your first podcast this week (not THE first but my first) because I love to follow emily from jones design. After listening it’s crazy how I really feel God led me to it, if even to just be encouraged by this blog post! Never listened to podcasts before (except the church service I missed haha ) and now I am hooked on yours 😉 thanks for sharing your heart!
I need your feedback please. I am 46 my husband is 48 and he is done with adoption agencies. We tried to adopt from 4 different agencies and we did not get any child. Now we are in our late 40’s my husband is done. So what do I do now. You say not to nag my husband, but we are not getting younger so how do I convince my husband. He has said he has moved on because I get stressed out and depressed going thru the adoption process because it has been a negative experience. Please help! I would love to hear your response. dkcgarg@yahoo.com
First, thank you for being so open and honest and wonderful and hilarious. It’s refreshing. My two besties and I have added you to our group of friends and we talk about you as if you are our own. “Did you see the book Jamie’s reading? Jamie’s earrings are so cool. Do you think Jamie would like this coffee, even though it’s not Texas Pecan??” So anywho…I was digging through your old posts when I found this one. Basically because God was saying “Here Liz, you need to read this.” This is my life at the moment and while I am at peace with it I still needed to be reminded that God will take care of it. If my husbancd and I are meant to bring another child home then it will happen. God’s time, all the time. Although for this girl that has patience managment issues, well let’s just leave it at that. Jamie, your words can mean so much to others, even if it is 3 1/2 years later! FYI, if you are ever in NW Ohio and need some girl time we’ve got the Texas Pecan waiting for you!!