Aaron and I are running a half marathon in 17 days and I don't feel one bit ready for this race! I have done two before and so I realize what it takes and I just hope that I get in some good runs in the next 15 days or this could be bad! I do lots and lots of thinking while I run. Sometimes I think about stupid stuff, and sometimes I think about deep stuff. Running is not always fun for me, but it is always good for me once I get out there. It's not only good for my body, but also for my mind and soul.
Here are some of my crazy random thoughts from last night:
If you are on the sidewalk and you see a runner coming towards you it is only nice to pick a side and move. Standing in the middle makes it awkward for both of us.
Running past a McDonald's at 5PM is not fun. The smell made my stomach hurt
Running past a bus stop with people smoking made my lungs hurt.
Honking at me while I'm running not only scares the crap out of me, but it is just rude. Rude.
If you are stopped at an intersection and a runner is about to cross, either wave them on or ask them to stop. don't just look at them. I have no idea if you are about to hit me or not.
Metric by my house has tons of hills. UGH!
I ran in my running skirt for the first time and loved it. cool.
Not only did I have random thoughts, I also thought lots about Amos. Yesterday was a hard day for us. We had lots of tears by everyone and it is painful to watch my son not want to connect with me at times. Aaron was gone lots yesterday for work and that made a huge difference. Amos loves that guy and I think he feels safe when Aaron's here. When he's gone he is constantly looking for him and asking when he'll return.
I try to make my kids obey me not just because I want to be in charge (although I am), but because I need them to obey me in certain situations or it will be bad for them. For example, it is not acceptable for a kid to run away from us when we ask them to come here. It might be cute at home in the living room and in the backyard, but it's not cute, nor is it safe, in the parking lot at Target. Make sense? That is one of our main things we try to teach our kids when they are young.
This was hard yesterday with Amos. We are showing LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of love to this kid. I think he might be overwhelmed we love on him so much! 😉 But we're also requiring him to come to us when we ask him to. It is really the only thing we're being strict about. The truth is that I'm a mom to four kids and I will not feel comfortable nor safe taking them out by myself if one of them will run from me when I call them. 🙂 Yesterday, while we were playing outside I asked Amos to bring something to me and he ran away and almost (thank you Jesus) ran into the street. (Our street is very calm, but that would have freaked this new mom out) I held Amos in my arms and told him that he must obey momma when I ask him to come here. I told him that I loved him and that he was my favorite Amos and that I would never leave him and that he'll live here forever, but he must come to mommy when I call him. I was asking him to look me in the eyes as I talked to him. He wouldn't. He would look away. I would ask him again. He would close his eyes. I held him for what seemed like forever talking to him and loving on him and asking him to look at me. He refused.
This is the hard part of adoption. This is the part that no one wants to hear. This is the part that scares me to death. Waiting 2.5 years was nothing compared to this. I love this boy with all my heart and yet he is scared to love me completely. Honestly, I don't blame him.
I thought about this a lot on my run. I replayed my words to him, I replayed his words to me. It breaks my heart that he is scared. But again, I don't blame him. You see he has only seen us come and go and come and go. Each time we're with him we have always left him. Why would he want to look into my eyes and trust me. He is scared to. I don't blame him. He is afraid to give all of himself to me. I don't blame him.
We are committed to Amos. We love this kid so much and have fought for him for so long. We are confident that God has HUGE plans for this little man. He is going to be used by God for big things, this momma just knows it.
I thought about my relationship with God and I wondered if sometimes I treat God this way. I'm scared to give him all I have. I'm scared to trust him. I'm scared to love him completely. Even through my fear God continues to love me, pursue me, lavish me with his love, pour his grace and mercy on my and he never ever stops. No matter what I do. He continues.
This is how we will be with Amos. We will love him. Show him grace & mercy. Pour our heart and soul out to him, and daily we will start to see his heart open to us and walls to come down. We have seen this happen with our Story. She went through grief and fear and so will Amos. We know it. We're ready to deal with it and love him despite anything he might say to us, just like our God does.
Here are some super cute pics I took of the kids playing outside yesterday:
And here are a few from the park on Tuesday:
oh yes. this is going to be so hard when i adopt my older child. i have thought a lot about this and dread how hard it is going to be. it has made me realize how little i trust God. i do the same thing, i know in my head that he is great and loves me, but my heart does not believe this fully and so in order to protect myself, i keep holding on to other things or putting up walls. i pray that i will not only learn to trust Him more, but that as i do, i will be able to love others more and more like He does, so that as my kid learns that i love them, they learn that God loves them even more!
thanks for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing this, Jamie! I have so much I want to say but find it hard to craft a sensible (not to mention sensitive) post. How do you do it! 🙂
I love the pictures of your kids together. They warm my heart. I love that Story looks so chunky! God is going to continue to do great things in and through your family’s testimony!
It can be so hard. We still struggle with some obedience issues and I think to myself, “If he could just understand how much we love him and would realize that we’re putting rules in place to keep him safe…” And then I think of how God must feel when I pull away and willfully disobey. It’s teaching me so much about the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father…
Praying for you in your time of transition! 😉
Jamie, I so appreciate your honesty in your writing. It is so understandable from his perspective…even as hard as Haiti was, it’s still his. He probably even has some degree of guilt, because he knows not all of his friends are where he is now.
And how hard for you, when all you want is for him to know he is safe and loved. What is so wonderful is that there are so many in your family…if he isn’t in a moment where he can feel your love, he can feel Cayden’s or Deacon’s…or Story’s. I suspect he’s testing you some, too…maybe he doesn’t even know it. But there could be some of the “will you still love me if I do this….or this?” And of course you will. He’ll feel it and know it, and embrace it. You’re doing an awesome job. Keep going….and good luck on your run.
Thanks for sharing, Jamie! What a beautiful picture for us to see!
I love that Amos wears that helmet everywhere! Make me smile real big =)
Thank you so much for sharing!
love you girl. praying for you all. and seeing the connection between the story and God with us. love it.
It truly takes wonderful people like you guys to open your hearts and home! I have always wondered and therefore prayed even harder for this aspect of adoption. You have been added to my own mother’s prayer list and she, after reading your blog, also thinks you are a truly amazing woman.
Great thoughts – maybe I should start running. I remember in our adoption preparation classes the Social Worker telling us that the first person they’ll reject is the mother. It was their (birth) mother that let them down so it is the hardest person to trust.
thank you so much for sharing this.
I have been praying for you, Love. You and all of the moms and dads who just brought your kids home. Such joy.. and sorrow.. and hard, hard, HARD work.
I have been praying for you guys-what an incredible (and difficult) journey you are on. I just know God is going to bless you guys beyond measure for your faithfulness and the way you have sold out to His plan for your family! Praying for strength and support for you (notice I didn’t say patience!)and that God will give you wisdom in how to best integrate your precious Amos into your family! 🙂
Thanks Christie! I know you get it!
We visited our twins in the orphanage for one year before we received custody of them. They were five years old. We have had them for 9 months now and it has been difficult but they have greatly improved. We too make them look in our eyes and they struggle with this but we just keep insisting until they do. Be consistant and patient…it takes time. I understand where you are and how difficult this phase can be but also rewarding when you see them take little steps towards trusting you!
I started reading your blog since the earthquake happened in haiti. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but i just get this sense that you are a genuine person, true to heart, loving and caring.I just pray that the lord Jesus Christ give you a double portion of faith, love, endurence, patience and understanding. I just wanted to say thank you for loving these children saying yes to God’s will. From this haitian american women I want to say you are phenomenal.
You are doing an incredible job with your kids! Thank you for writing this beautiful post and for being real about the good stuff and the hard stuff! The way you related Amos trust of you to the way we are with God really touched me!
Tasha – welcome to my blog and thanks for the compliments. I try to stay real and raw in my writing.
Jamie, I have always loved your openness and how you present the real picture of adoption, not just the fun or pretty parts. Adoption is a wonderful, amazing process and also a lifelong journey. I have been praying for you during this time of transition, and know that God will give you every ounce of strength, patience, and wisdom that you need. Thanks for being who you are!
Thanks so much for your honesty! We are going through the process of adopting from Uganda and I think it is so important to hear how others are transitioning after their kids come home. There will be a lot of struggles but since when did God ever say it would be easy?:)
Sara – you are right. Lots of struggles, but we are confident that God will be with us in the good and the bad. That’s comforting to me!
Kimber – thanks girl! Sometimes its hard to be honest b/c it’s not real, but at least if someone reads my blog that is thinking about adoption they’ll get the whole picture!
Jamie, so much of this post resonates with me. Thanks for sharing.
I know this is an old post, but it really HIT HOME! We are in process to adopt an 11 yr old from Haiti. Long story short: medical person on Haitian mission trip, Child needs medical care, comes to states & becomes “available”.
I wish I would have had some of this wisdom when Our fella initially got here. He has been with us for 18 months, and I am concerned about him not connecting to me! It has been very hard and I have had some dark days. No one told me about those. I hope others will find support before their child comes home. Thanks for keeping it real! Peace, Hugs & Blessings!