There are many days in a month when my emotions get the best of me and I can't get out of my funk. I know it when it happens, I can see it coming from miles away, and it still hits me hard and sometimes completely takes over my life. I recognize it every single time, and yet it still continues to take me down. I retreat from my friends. I retreat from my kids. I retreat from my man. I want to be by myself and just sulk over it.
I used to tell myself when things were hard that I just needed to pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on. To be a big girl. To get over it. To get your act together, or like Miranda Lambert says in her song, “Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady, ‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, Even when you fall apart”.
Keeping ourself together is what we as women do best. We keep the train moving. We keep the house running. We keep everyone happy. It's what we do.
At least what we are supposed to do anyways. It's like the saying that says, “If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy”. We set the tone. Or that's what we think we are supposed to do in life.
A few years ago I started realizing that I don't have to “get my act together” because I can't get my act together. I never can muster up the strength on my own to get myself out of a funk. Believe me, I continaully try to solve this problem on my own and every single time I fail. It never works and yet it is still so easy for me to find myself right back in the funk trying to solve it myself.
I had an awaking when I realized how much I needed Jesus in these moments. When I understood that he wouldn't shun me when I came to him so bratty and selfish, but that he would accept me, love me, and help me get out of my funk it was life changing for me. I finally realized that I can't help myself in these moments because my self can't be trusted. I will always choose to be sad, but it is with the help of Jesus that I can choose to be content no matter what. He can help me realize my need for him and my inability to “get myself together”.
For me it is the act of admitting my need for him and vocalizing it. A few months ago Aaron was out of town and I was in serious funk. The fact that I was solo parenting made it even harder for me. I did what I know always helps, and that is to go exercise. It's not really the act of working out for me that helps, but it's the alone time with Jesus that helps. You see, when I'm running, or rowing it's the perfect time to talk to Jesus. There's no phone to distract me, no dishes to do, no kids to help, there's nothing but me and the machine (or the road) and my thoughts.
When I'm in a funk it's these moments that I go to Jesus and beg him to change my heart. I plead with him to change me from the inside out. I confess my pride, my selfishness, my feelings of unworthiness to him and then I row or I run and I let him go to work. I let him take my heart and change it. I let him comfort me, and guide me back to him.
I never seem to muster up the ability to change myself, and that's why when I'm in a funk I go to him to change my heart. He can do it.