There are many days in a month when my emotions get the best of me and I can't get out of my funk. I know it when it happens, I can see it coming from miles away, and it still hits me hard and sometimes completely takes over my life. I recognize it every single time, and yet it still continues to take me down. I retreat from my friends. I retreat from my kids. I retreat from my man. I want to be by myself and just sulk over it.
I used to tell myself when things were hard that I just needed to pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on. To be a big girl. To get over it. To get your act together, or like Miranda Lambert says in her song, “Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady, ‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, Even when you fall apart”.
Keeping ourself together is what we as women do best. We keep the train moving. We keep the house running. We keep everyone happy. It's what we do.
At least what we are supposed to do anyways. It's like the saying that says, “If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy”. We set the tone. Or that's what we think we are supposed to do in life.
A few years ago I started realizing that I don't have to “get my act together” because I can't get my act together. I never can muster up the strength on my own to get myself out of a funk. Believe me, I continaully try to solve this problem on my own and every single time I fail. It never works and yet it is still so easy for me to find myself right back in the funk trying to solve it myself.
I had an awaking when I realized how much I needed Jesus in these moments. When I understood that he wouldn't shun me when I came to him so bratty and selfish, but that he would accept me, love me, and help me get out of my funk it was life changing for me. I finally realized that I can't help myself in these moments because my self can't be trusted. I will always choose to be sad, but it is with the help of Jesus that I can choose to be content no matter what. He can help me realize my need for him and my inability to “get myself together”.
For me it is the act of admitting my need for him and vocalizing it. A few months ago Aaron was out of town and I was in serious funk. The fact that I was solo parenting made it even harder for me. I did what I know always helps, and that is to go exercise. It's not really the act of working out for me that helps, but it's the alone time with Jesus that helps. You see, when I'm running, or rowing it's the perfect time to talk to Jesus. There's no phone to distract me, no dishes to do, no kids to help, there's nothing but me and the machine (or the road) and my thoughts.
When I'm in a funk it's these moments that I go to Jesus and beg him to change my heart. I plead with him to change me from the inside out. I confess my pride, my selfishness, my feelings of unworthiness to him and then I row or I run and I let him go to work. I let him take my heart and change it. I let him comfort me, and guide me back to him.
I never seem to muster up the ability to change myself, and that's why when I'm in a funk I go to him to change my heart. He can do it.
Love this post and I can so relate. Thanks for sharing. Knowing we all walk the walk of faith together is so encouraging.
Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea what an encouragement your words are to me!
Thanks for sharing this Jamie. This is me today… I’ve spend time with Jesus and now off to work out! Love your blog and you authenticity.
Thank you Jamie for being so real in all your posts. I needed this! And to know it’s ok, that other women feel this way also. I enjoy reading your blog daily!
Wow, thankyou so much, I feel like this all the time and I thought it was just me! It’s horrible to know you are in a funk and not feel like you can do anything about it. I’ve always wondered how other people cope? I now use running in the same way as you, it is such a blessing and has deepened my relationship with Jesus so much. Randomly through no desire of mine I got a place in the NYC marathon last year (i didn’t even like running), I was in a bit of a bad place and thought, ok, lets do this. To cut a long story short, through listening to audio books and being alone with my thoughts in those long training runs I came back to Jesus (it had been 10 years)…. as I proceeded to pound the streets I came to LOVE my time running because it brought me back to Jesus with such ease and clarity every single day. I thought I was the most (un?)lucky person with marathon ballots ever because I also got places in London and Berlin for this year. Its only now that I am recovering from London and a years worth of constant marathon training that I realise it must be God dumping all of these marathon places infront of me – it forces me out there to run and its the only way to shut out the chaos that I create in my heart so that I can truly hear God, I am so thankful ive discovered this because I sure am good at creating the chaos! I am hoping that in time God will teach me to shut out the chaos in other ways so that I can feel as close to him all the time as i do when i am running!