Recently I went away for about 28 hours and spent time praying, reading the bible, reading magazines, resting my body, resting my brain and doing just about nothing. It was AH-MAZING. So wonderful for me and seemed to come at a perfect time for me as a mom.
Although I love to talk about adoption on here, there are obviously some things that don't get shared because let's be honest, one day all my kids will read this and I for sure don't want them thinking all I did was talk bad about them on here! There's such a thin line between sharing your life to help and encourage others and sharing too much about your life and kids when they don't have a say in what you write. You see my conflict here.
Anyhow, lately Amos' behavior has gotten so much better in some areas, but so much worse in others. I would say he's more compliant most of the time, but when he's not he is blatantly disobedient. Not caring what you think, not caring if he's in trouble. Just plain not caring. This drives me insane. I literally want to scream at him DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? I WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR YOU. I WOULD JUMP IN FRONT OF A CAR FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH!
As I sat at the pool reading and praying I started to think about the relationship that Amos and I have and how that compares to the relationship that I have with my heavenly Father. You see, we're alike in more ways than I want to believe, Amos & I. We both have parents that love us deeply. God loves me so much that I'm certain there are times he wants to scream at me I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I SENT MY SON FOR YOU. I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU. I AM HERE FOR YOU. I'm sure during those times I'm non-responsive and mad at the world. I'm sure during those times I would rather be alone than with people that truly love me, and I'm pretty certain that during those times I'm having a hard time figuring out why God loves me when I've screwed up so much.
You see, Amos has a hard time realizing how much I love him. I can scream it at him all day long, and before you email me, no I don't literally scream this at him, although I really want to some days, but sometimes he just can't truly “hear” me. I'm sure he hears my voice, like the teacher on Charlie Brown, but does he truly hear my words, I'm just not sure.
Amos loves me when things are well, but when things aren't going his way, he's not too loving. Amos loves me when the plans go as he thinks they are supposed to go, but when things get sidetracked, or don't happen, or go a different way, then he is not happy and can't control his emotions. Amos can love well, on his own terms, but not on mine.
I was laying there by the pool when the tears started coming.
I am Amos.
I treat God this way. When things are good, I'm happy and love God abundantly. When things are bad, I'm weary and think God has left me. When plans are as I planned, then I think God's on my side. When plans don't go like I planned I think God is not for me, but against me.
I also realized that I sometimes don't treat Amos like God treats me during these times. God has never left me. He's never forsaken me. He's never thought I was a lost cause. He's never told me I had my limit of doubt and he was done with me. He's never not been able to take my doubt or insecurities. He's just keeps lavishing love on me. He keeps whispering his promises in my heart. He keeps leading my paths. He keeps … He keeps … He keeps.
God keeps loving.
Of course I've never abandoned Amos or told him he was at his limit of doubt, but let's be honest, my sinful heart makes it hard to continue to love and love someone that doesn't always reciprocate that love back to you. There are days that my heart is weary for him. There are days that my soul feels too heavy to intercede for him. There are days that my ability to take another dirty look is low. I'm human.
BUT oh how my heart was reminded of how I'm to treat my son as I lay by that pool and relished in the love that my Father has for me. He never left me, but yet he pursued me. He has taken my harsh words, looks and thoughts and continues to pour out his love and grace and mercy on me. I was challenged that day to view my son as the Father views me. I was challenged that day to see Amos through a different lens. Yes he may try to hurt me with his words or his looks, but he is my son and I will fight for him. I will defend him. I will love him. I will hold him. I will serve him. I will show grace to him.
I'm so wonderfully honored to be Amos' mommy and I love this kid so much. I'm grateful that God chose me out of all the women in the world to raise him, and love him. I'm honored. I know that God has big plans for this kid and I believe that our God is truly the only one that can change Amos' heart. I believe that God will rock his world and he's gonna be a world changer. I pray that he will rise up and be a man that loves God and changes his home country of Haiti. That's my prayer for my sweet Amos. God is big like that. He can do it, you know?!
i really appreciate your blogs; that you can be real and not try to smoothe it over. i love especially that you have recipes! and i find it helpful that you talk about adoption, but also just life in general. most of all i find it admirable that though you share what is trying you or shaping you in life, you bring it back to Jesus and what He is doing through what is happening. it is very encouraging, so thanks for sharing. -a mom waiting through adoption
Made me cry! I’m having similar struggles with my daughter right now, even as young as she is. Thank you for this reminder, for this perspective.
i love you. i just simply love you.
Another beautiful post, Jamie. I love your way with words. I have felt the same way on more than one occasion, but never as eloquently put as you have done 🙂
We miss the Ivey family at school. Big hugs to all of you…