We have brought three kids home via adoption over the years and each one was completely different. Our first was an infant just a few days old, our second was a 23 month old who spent her first 5 days in the hospital, and our last was a 4.5 year old that had just 10 days earlier experienced the earthquake in Haiti and then flew home on a military plane. Three different kids, three different circumstances, and lots of different emotions. I tell you all that so you realize that the things I'm about to say are my opinions and what has worked for us and lots of other people that I know. I also hold true to the idea that it's much easier to loosen your boundaries, then it is is to tighten them. So if a family brings a child home and their requests and boundaries seem super strict and you don't get it, well then you need to know a few things. #1 it's not your family so your opinion doesn't count & #2 give them space and let them adjust and some of their boundaries will as well.
Here are my thoughts and opinions on how to help families as they adjust to their new family member.
1. Leave the Child Alone
That seems harsh doesn't it! As friends and family you have journeyed alongside your friends for months and a lot of times years. You feel a connection to their story and their new child and you want to show that child and family how much you love them. I get that. It's normal and a great attitude. The hard part is that this family needs to be together and help this child establish a bond with them. When I go to an airport homecoming I will hardly acknowledge the child. Maybe a gentle high five or fist bump, but that's it. The child is taking a lot in, and the people that need my love and support are the parents. The love the child needs most in that moment is from the parents. I mentioned earlier in the week that we were fairly strict about people holding our children when we brought them home, and it was so that we could build that bond with them that they needed desperately. Respect the parents in this one. They might be strict at first, but it won't be that way forever. Realize that you loving the parents is showing the whole family love.
2. Meals
Feed them! If you have birthed a baby you know how impossible it feels to fix a meal for your family. It's the same way now and in some ways even harder. Right now the family is concentrating on creating their family, and honestly people bringing the meals was one less thing we had to think about. It helped us concentrate on our family time the most. When you bring your meal, bring some staples as well. Some treats for the kids, or some cereal for breakfast. Everything is a blessing to them! Once again, don't overstay your welcome. If they ask you to drop off your meal and leave, don't be offended. I remember times where Amos was losing his mind and I knew someone was coming over to bring a meal and I hated asking them not to stay, but we just didn't have it in us to chat right then. Some days are hard, and they might just need you to bring the meal in and run out. No big deal. Remember this isn't forever.
{boys meeting their sister for the first time on Oct 23, 2009}
3. Other kids
Are you close enough to the family that you can take the other kids to the park every once in a while? The other kids in the family will be going through a hard time as well. It's an adjustment on everyone in the family. Just as I go pick up my friends daughter for a while because she's busy with a newborn, you can do the same. Offer to take them to church if the family isn't going yet. Offer to take them for ice cream on Friday. Offer to pick them up from school for the parents. Offer to take them to an early Saturday morning breakfast. The family may be doing great and they might not need this, but what a help to get to spend one on one time with your new child.
{My baby girl was so sick when she came home.}
4. Babysitting & Special Treats
One of the best things we did was have people we loved and trusted come stay with our kids after they were all in bed so we could go on a date. It means a late night because kids might not be sound asleep until 9pm, but it was worth it. Just to sit at a table alone with Aaron was such a priority in those first few weeks. We needed to connect if we were going to make it through this time. If you are close enough with the family, what a great way to show them love by offering them this.
Another great thing would be letters and gift cards. They will eventually be back to life and leaving the house, so how awesome would it be if the mom had a pedicure or hair cut or massage gift card ready to be used as soon as she feels like leaving the house to pamper herself.
5. Be gracious.
A friend told me once after she brought her girls home that she wished her friends and family knew that they weren't ignoring them, but they were just trying to keep their head above water and survive. If you send a friend a text of encouragement (which you should do often) don't expect a response back. If your friend forgets your birthday, show grace. If you are calling and not getting a phone call back. Show grace. Lots of it. For the first few months their live is chaotic and honestly you aren't their first priority.
6. You don't need to know
Another thing several moms have mentioned to me is how it's awkward when people ask about their child's story before they joined their home. To truth is that people are just curious (heck I've done this before) and intrigued by your child's story up until they joined your family. Think to yourself if you would like it if everyone around you knew some of the most intimate and hard things about your life. You wouldn't like it one bit, and in fact you would feel uncomfortable and upset with whoever took it upon themselves to share your story without asking you. That's the same for kids as well. You don't need to ask them all the questions, because it's none of your business. There are parts of my 3 kids stories that no one knows and it will be up to them to share.
I feel like this list could be ongoing forever, and if you are an adoptive mom or dad, please leave a comment and add to this list. Did anyone do something awesome that helped your transition? Did someone do something that was not good? Share with us so we can all learn!
**Remember I'm not an expert, just a mom that's been there done that 3 times. These are just my opinions and other opinions from other moms that I asked.
Our good friends stocked our pantry, fridge, and put fresh flowers in the house when we first came home with our adopted son. I know sometimes flowers seem like a trivial thing…but they were such a bright spot in those first few long days home. Seeing them reminded me of how much the body of Christ loved us and our children.
The bonding was a hard one for our friends to understand. We adopted our two from foster care at ages 7 & 9. Up until that time they had had plenty of ‘moms’ and ‘dads’ and it was just a word to them. We needed desperately to nest and bond with our kids to not only change that perception, but to also assure them that THIS WAS IT. This was their forever home.
And please, PLEASE, unless the child or parent offers the story up, do NOT ask ‘what happened to their real parents’. Adoptive parents ARE the real parents. Says so on my copy of their birth certificate. 🙂
Don’t forget about adoptive families after the excitement of the homecoming is over. Continue to show grace to their family transition for months, even years after a child comes home. Homecomings are just the beginning of the support and understanding an adoptive family needs.
you are right, the small gesture of flowers can go a long ways ! I love when people stock fridges too!
I agree. Kids have to learn what moms and dads really do and what that really means for them.
Yes Julie! Grace is needed even years later. Also my kids may not always act the right way, and they need grace too!
As foster/adopt parents the best thing our friends and family did was to “shop and deliver” what ever we found we needed! We often only have an hour or so from receiving the phone call and the arrival of the child(ern). We now have a good variety of “emergency” gear but it is all “hand me down” and things like formula and food are impossible to keep just in case. Plus it is most welcoming for a child to come in and have new, just for them, pajamas or what ever! And just imagine trying to take a traumatized kiddo shopping; even for necessities, hours after arriving in the home of a stranger! The drop and go rule applies too because again the transition into the home just doesn’t have room for people outside of that nuclear family!
All such great things!! I would not have survived and still could not survive this without the help of people around us. The meals and special treats thing was a huge ministry to me one leas thing to think about as inwas trying to learn my kid and figure out school. Also I really just enjoyed having my friends come over after the boys were in bed. Sometimes we talked, often I cried, and sometimes we just ate ice cream.
It was also super helpful to have people remind me of the gospel and God’s strength, power and wisdom in this. That when I am at my wits end, he isn’t. That when I have no idea what to do, he does. I remember a friend telling me that I was gonna make it, not because I was a good parent, not because the boys would get better, but because God has got me. And what he starts, he finishes perfectly.
Thanks Jamie! This is really awesome. My husband and I are about to adopt our first child, a newborn. I know some of this is probably more specific to international adoption especially when they’re older but I know some of it will apply to us too. I know preparing friends for the “we need our space” convo will be key in the beginning as they’ll want to stop by and meet the little one we’ve been waiting for.