Having three children added to our family via adoption we are aware of the question and thoughts that will come from them. They why's and how's are still a mystery to me sometime, and so trying to think of great answers for them is something that we can only rely on God for. I know that all of my kids (even bio) will go through times of questioning and wondering. They will all go through the crazy teenage years and wonder why God gave them the parents they have, and then added on that for three of our kids will be questions about adoption.
Why was I born?
Was I an accident?
Did my first mom not love me?
Who is my first mom?
What about birth dad?
Where are they?
Why did she leave?
All of those are very very hard questions. Some of them all go to back to one question …. “Why was I not wanted?”. The thought of my kids thinking that breaks my heart in two. I deeply hurt for them.
Since Aaron and I are Christians and believe that God knows all and is in charge of all, we believe that God knew before the beginning of time that all four of my kids were going to be in the Ivey family. None of this is a surprise to him. He knew the circumstances and was surprised by none of it.
Yesterday I was face to face with this from Deacon. We were driving and I could see his little mind spinning as he looked out the window and then asked this:
Deacon: Mom, is J (his birth mom) married?
Me: Do you mean J, your first mom?
D: Yeah, is she married?
M: No, baby she's not married.
D: Then how did she have me?
Oh gosh my stomach dropped and I quickly prayed and asked God to guide my words. I felt this first conversation was crucial to him knowing that he is loved by her, us and God has a plan for his life.
M: Well, you are right that God did design it for a mommy and a daddy to get married first and then have babies, but sometimes it doesn't work that way and that's okay. J isn't married, but she still had you and loved you so much.
He nodded his head and accepted my answer and then went on about something else without even missing a beat. I replayed the conversation over and over in my head to make sure I had been honest with him about his first mom, showed him the love she had and does have for him, and showed him God's awesome plan for his life.
These are hard questions. I know that they will only get harder, especially from our kids via international adoption that we don't have as much information about and easy access to call, text or email at any time we want.
I am so thankful for my kids and their stories. I recently read a book called “Little Bee”, that I highly recommend by the way, and in the book she says, “We must all see scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” That has stuck with me since I read it. I want the “scars” in my life to prove something. To show my dedication and that I made it. Although my children didn't get to pick their “scars” or have any say in how or when they got them I pray that they will allow God to work through their lives and mold them into passionate lovers of Jesus, because the truth is that Jesus can take our “scars” and heal us. He brings true healing to the soul and that my friends is what I wish for my children.
*Deacon and my dad, Pops.
Since I was a child I have wanted to adopt and to this day still have a heart for it. Your passion for Christ and the cause is so inspiring. I pray that God will continue to give you the guidance you need and to continue to bless those precious babies of yours. I hope one day I will be praying the same prayers you are, for answers to the tough questions that will arise. God bless you and the rest of the Ivey clan.
whew! you did better that i would!! i’m so looking forward to adoption but nervous about all those little moments that i know will pop up! i think you did a great job! we are called to love our children & always point them to Jesus! i can tell by your posts that you do that!
thanks for sharing, i love reading your blog! your kids are beautiful! Merry Christmas!
Jamie – You are an amazing woman and mother. “…we believe that God knew before the beginning of time that all four of my kids were going to be in the Ivey family.” Love this picture of a loving, gracious, all-knowing God.
Jamie, when my adopted son was small we would often say to each other, “I love you more.” “No, I love you more.” One day as I was driving home from church, we were having this conversation and I added “But I loved you first.” I just about wrecked the car when my very young son had the last word by saying, “No, I loved you first when I was in that other mommy’s tummy.” I didn’t know he had even been thinking that deeply because he hadn’t ever mentioned his birth mom. Little minds go deep and love deeply too. His words were a treasure to me then and now, decades later.
Brad likes to remind me that scars are tangible proof of God’s provision. Am stealing the book quote too 🙂
What an amazing post, Jamie! You will never know (this side of paradise) how powerfully God is using your family’s story in the hearts of His people! You reminded me of one of my favorite quotations, from missionary Amy Carmichael: “Can we follow the Savior far, who have no wound or scar?”
Beautiful post Jamie. 🙂 Thanks for being so open
Thanks for this, Jamie. T isn’t old enough to ask yet, but it’s not too soon for me to start pondering the answers to the questions that will inevitably come.
Thank you for this. My little boy is only 2 years old but I know the questions will come. And my hearts breaks at the fact that one day he will realise that adoption is not only a cool thing but also means that he was given up. I know Jesus can and will fill the gap and that he will be stronger for being adopted. But I would do anything to spare him potential pain even though the heartbreak will help form him into the man God has planned for him to be.
such good stuff.