I have heard a lot of parents explain adoption to their kids in this way, “You are so special to us that we chose you. That's how special you are.” At the core of this I truly see the purpose they are trying to convey and I see their heart behind their words. Our family is made up of one child through the old fashion way from my body, and three through adoption. I completely understand trying to make those kids that might feel different because they weren't birthed from their parents feel better about that fact. I get that. It's hard when a child looks at you and says, “Why was I adopted? Why didn't my first mom want me?”, those questions will take your breath away.
We truly believe that God orchestrates and plans everything in this world. God's word says that he “works all things according to the counsel of his will”. Nothing in this world is out of his control, and that includes how our family is created. It was always God's will that Aaron & Jamie would get married and birth one child named Cayden, then they would adopt Deacon domestically, and then they would start to adopt Amos and then start to adopt Story. It was even God's will that Story would come home first and that Amos would join our family after the earthquake. The fact that God chose to have us wait that long for our kids is beyond my comprehension, but I do trust in his word and his word says that “all things work together for good” and that brings me hope. God will bring good from our suffering.
All that brings us to tell our kids that GOD CHOSE YOU for our family. It was nothing that I could have ever done. On my own I could have never created the family that I have. That task is way to big for me and for me to take the credit away from God is really hard for me. If I can say that God knows all and plans all, then I can easily tell all my kids that God always knew you were going to be an Ivey. ALL of my kids. This is just as important that Cayden knows this even though he wasn't adopted. God chose all my kids for me. What a joy that is to know that he planned all this.
When Amos first came home we repeated that phrase more than I could even tell you. God always knew you were going to be an Ivey. You see, for him there were days he didn't even care if I was his mom. His little heart was so hurt, that he would lash out and say things to me that I knew he didn't mean, but his heart and brain didn't know how else to react. In those moments I wanted him to know that the God that created the heavens and the earth also placed you in this family. He chose this for him, not me. The God that saves and delivers made that decision long before the earth was even formed. God's word says “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”
God knew all of our kids days long before they were even born. That gives me great confidence when I tell my children that God loved them so much he had a plan for their life, and this was it. He always knew that Amos would be Amos Ivey. He always knew that Deacon would be Deacon Ivey. He always knew that Story would be Story Ivey. He always knew that Cayden would be Cayden Ivey.
For us this is why we tell our kids that God chose them. If this task were up to me, I would surely screw it up. Thankfully we can point our kids to God when they question why they are in this family. What do you think about this, and if you are an adoptive parent what do you say to your kids?
love that approach-it is so true.
im sorry..i don’t agree….it comes across that the first mom was only there to give birth…..while i believe God can do all things He does so within the boundaries of our free will(for the most part)…..the gift He gave…..no Amos was meant to be with his first mom….not you……the reason you are amos’s mom is because you said yes…..the reason paperwork took longer than necessary is because people said no…….tell a first mom that their child was meant to be yours….it is complicated jamie and telling a child they were always meant to be an ivey i believe is confusing and dishonest……
keri
Keri thanks for your honest opinion. I see where we disagree and it has nothing to do with adoption, but yet with God being in charge of it all. I don’t believe I have the ability to change anything. I believe that EVERYTHING is set up by God. He determines it all. The reason I’m married to Aaron, the time that I live in Austin, the fact that I was born in 1978 and not 1977. They are not determined by anything at all except that God planned them out long ago.
For us that live our lives this way, believing that GOd is in control of everything is one of the most comforting parts of my faith. To me it means that no matter what happens in my life, I trust that God is in control and has a plan. Without that foundation to my faith I feel as though what happens in this world is left up to man, and I don’t think anyone agrees this would be a good thing.
thanks jamie for your reply…but when God gave adam and eve a choice….he gave them freedom to choose or to not choose Him….He does not control us because He chooses not to control us…look at all the drama Moses gave Him…lol…He chooses not to control everything…….this is why I believe in Him…..because He allows me to love Him on my own….He allows man to bring heaven to earth or hell to earth……..my comfort is that He is there when i choose His will or when I stray….i have seen a marriage ordained by God not come to pass because the man said no…..when i look at this world i see how it has been left up to man…..but there are pockets of beauty rising when we ask Him to come along side of us……..or when He asks us to come along side of Him and we reply Yes…..i apologize if this got off topic…..gosh i wish God was in control when i eat too many nachos with salsa…lol….thanks again for explaining further….i am happy you rest in His comfort…..
keri
Jamie, I am so thankful for your words! I don’t have adopted children, but I still struggle on a daily basis to remember that God IS in fact in complete and total control of my life. He chose for Lamar to be my husband…despite all my past bad relationships, he chose my two children for me…despite my downfalls as a mom, and I know He chose me to be staying home this next year instead of teaching…despite how lost I feel. God knows the end result already, He knows WHY He is placing me on this path…and that is something I have to be reminded of DAILY! And as Lamar and I wrestle with the thoughts of adoption for our own family, I am comforted knowing that God already knows our decision. Even though we get to make it, He already has it all planned out. “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21 “In HIM we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according the counsel of HIS will.” Ephesians 1:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 So thank you for that reminder.
love, love, love this post, jamie! so thankful that you are sharing about the joy of the sovereignty of god and that he chose your kids for you. each and every one of those precious kiddos. love it!
JAMMIEEE!
I love you friend.
And I love your boldness to share all of who God says He is – even the hard parts.
As He says:
1) He does what He wants.
“Declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, ‘My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;” Isaiah 46:10,
2. Even ‘fate’ based decisions are His:
Prov. 16:33, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.”
3. He for sure picked the families that he puts us in:
Acts 17:26, “and He made from one, every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times, and the boundaries of their habitation,”
4. And even our decisions are really His:
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
We recently had an open adoption visit with resulted in many questions among my five children, each with very different adoption stories. One of them asked, “Are birth families “family?” My answer was yes, but differently … I told them we – mommy & daddy & five children from five different beginnings – are a family “by GOD, by LOVE and by LAW.” I don’t negate the loss of adoption and speak of it to my children; I don’t hide the fact that they have birth family connections; but I definitely underscore God’s sovereignty in choosing each one of them to be ours and we to be theirs. I tell them GOD makes all things beautiful, even the losses and hurts.
Absolutely. I love your heart, Jamie.
God is who He says He is…all-knowing, sovereignly planning every detail of our lives in such a way that NOTHING is outside His good plan and EVERYTHING serves to bring glory to His name.
This is the God who says,
“I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity. I am the LORD, who does all these things.”
Isaiah 45:7
Like you, I find great comfort in the fact that my little plans are not the ones that stand, but that God is laying out the details of this life for me — the happy, the good, the messy and the painful. This is comfort to my soul.
And like you, as I recount for my kids the stories of how they came to be here, they will always point back to the fact that God absolutely, positively, without a doubt planned for that child to be in our family, whether it was by birth or by adoption. Yes, we made choices, yes there was pain, but GOD was active in it all.
love this post, jamie! i wouldn’t want to live in a world where God wasn’t in control of evvvverrrrything. totally believe that all of your children were chosen to be iveys and that you and aaron were chosen for them. this is the best case scenario for you, aaron and each of your precious babies – for your and their good, and for God’s glory. love it and am thankful for your boldness to share.
I enjoy reading your blog because your love for God and your passion and love for your family is so evident. And as a Christian, I do believe that God has a plan for me and my kids. However, I have chosen not to frame the discussion using the words, “God chose you for our family” because I believe it leads to the implication that “God therefore chose the poverty and sorrow and violence and heartache for your bio family and God chose the pain of relinquishment and all that goes with it.” I believe that man’s sin and greed has created the poverty that has forced so many woman to make a hard choice. Not God’s choice to separate children from their bio families, but a choice he has allowed. (I don’t think you are saying God chose pain and suffering; but in my mind I feel that it is implied.)
I believe that God is in control and I try to frame our discussions using phrases that focus on my thankfulness for being their mommy. My joy at being a part of their lives. The conviction that God is good and we can trust Him. The fact that I don’t have all the answers but God does.
Maybe it’s a distinction only in my own mind, but I’ve decided for now to consciously not use the phrase, “God’s choice” when it comes to my adoptive kids joining our family.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and thanks so much for sharing yours.
Jamie, This is beautifully written. Would you consider letting us feature this on our site “We Are Grafted In” (www.wearegraftedin.com)? It’s a Christian adoption website that seeks to inform and encourage others with a heart for adoption. I’d just need your permission (of course) and a brief bio and pic to use when it is featured so we can direct our readers back to your blog. Feel free to contact me with questions!
Stephanie
co-administrator of WAGI
Beautifully written, and I totally agree with Proverbs 16:9 The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes His steps. Whether or not we see it or agree to it, God is orchestrating His plan for our lives. We can fight Him, or follow Him.
Thanks for this post. I have already shared it with a friend. We are in the process of adopting a second time and this was very encouraging.
Thanks, I needed this. We’ve hit some snags and thought we would have children in our home.