John 11: 1-5 “Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”
I read this verse a few weeks ago and can't get it out of my mind. I believe that all things work together for good, and that even when things seem out of control for us and we have no clue why things are happening, that there is purpose in them for God. Believing that God is sovereign when things are going well is super easy. Still believing that in the midst of trial, sickness, death and the list could go on and on, is a little harder. For me, having the knowledge that God's in it all brings me so much more comfort than the thought that he's only in the good. I know he's in it all, and I need that. I need to know that what looks bad to me is not necessarily bad to him. I want it to bring him glory. The good and the bad.
The other day we had a pre-op visit for our son Deacon who has RRP and will be having his 7th surgery at the end of this month. His last surgery was in February of 2011 and so the fact that we went a whole year is amazing in itself. In 2010 he had four surgeries and his first surgery ever was in December of 2009. There's a big chance he'll have these surgeries for the rest of his life. There's no cure for this disease. The doctors aren't even 100% sure how you get this disease. It is rare and unpredictable.
At the doctor visit we talked about the upcoming surgery and that there are probably some bumps in there. Deacon listens to everything and I'm sure that he heard this. We pray for his bumps to go away and never come back. Yes, God can do that, but besides a miracle from God they will always come back. Reality.
When we got in the car to take Deacon to school he seemed very sad. We knew why. He takes all this in and literally his heart is sad. Aaron talked to him and sure enough Deacon was sad for two reasons. #1 because he was late to school (Poor thing hates being late and God chose me to be his mom!!) and #2 because he thinks his bumps are back. (On a side note here, we won't know if the bumps are 100% back until he gets in there and looks around, but we think there are some.)
As Aaron told me this I started to cry at the thought of my son having to walk through this as a 6 year old. I always say that I want God to be glorified in this disease, but for some reason that seems like too much to ask my son to feel that way too. He's six. I would bear this burden for him in a heart beat if I could. I would have bumps all over my body if it meant he didn't have any. I would have surgery 10 times a year if it meant he didn't have to have surgery. I would take it all.
I'm still asking God to be glorified through these surgeries. I'm wanting to trust him and lean on him for the protection of my son and his life. I truly hope that as Deacon grows that he can see his parents display for him a heart that loves God and trusts his hand on our lives.