Not sure if I'm morbid, crazy or sentimental, but every time I leave to get on an airplane I think about the what ifs that might happen. I mean the news lately is not helping the situation either with all their talk about how unsafe our security check points are and the disasters that could have happened on Christmas day. It's like the thought is just hanging out in my head and I don't stop thinking about it until I get off the plane at my final destination.
I'm not scared of flying. I'm not even scared of dying. I just don't want to die right now.
This morning as I dropped Cayden off at school and told him bye not only for today, but for four night-nights, I teared up as I drove off because in my mind I thought what if this is the last time I saw him and he saw me.
Oh my word did I just reveal an inward struggle of mine. I fear something happening to someone in my family, whether that be me leaving my family or them leaving me (through death that is).
This morning as I was showering I thought about writing a letter to my kids and Aaron just in case. (I usually do this every time I leave the country) Then I reminded myself that people travel every day and I'm probably more likely to die driving a car around town than I am in an airplane. None the less I still think these thoughts. I convinced myself to not write the letter. And for the love I'm just flying to Orlando.
As much as I struggle with this I have come so far in this area of my life. I mean so far. For as long as I remember I have had a fear of losing someone close to me. As a little girl I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming b/c I was having a nightmare that my dad had died. Then I got married and those dreams transfered to Aaron dying. I haven't had one of those in a while.
I have also come so far in my faith, that I'm truly getting to a point where I can say how glorious it would be to be with Jesus right now. I love Jesus with all that is in me, but selfishly I want to watch my kids grow up, send them to college, have grandkids, travel with Aaron, life a long life. Is that so bad to say.
But today as I was driving home from dropping Cayden off I actually was able to remind myself of the joy that would be in my soul if I did die. I mean I would be in heaven with my LORD and savior and my Grandpa and all the saints that have gone before me. It made me smile at the thought. I know it would be sad for my family, but life would go on. They would have memories and the joy of looking forward to our reunion.
Not sure why I started out my Thursday with such morbid thoughts, but that's me. Here I am. All of me. Stupid thoughts and all.
Thank you for this! The girls in my missional community group were having this exact same conversation about flying on Monday night. You are not alone! One thing that helps me is knowing that we’re not ready for heaven until God’s done with us, and nothing can thwart His plans! I read that last night in fact (somewhere in Job, I think). And, one of the girls brought up a Jim Elliott quote about how we’re indestructible until God’s finished His work in us. Have a fun trip! In the mean time, keep believing the words of Proverbs 3:5-6.
Jamie, I’ve had the pleasure of making your acquaintance through our mutual friend Maris via Nashville and Spur58. I began following your blog mainly because of your writings on adoption. Adoption is important to my husband and me, and I’ve so relished hearing your journey through this. All of that to say, I’ve been following the blog for a few months now, but up until now I have not commented…I wanted you to know a little about my story.
I’ve flown nearly all my life, and up until a few years ago I enjoyed flying very much. In 2005 I experienced a traumatizing flight. I held my cool and flew three times in the next three days without a problem. However, due to the fear planted in me from that first traumatic flight, every flight since has been increasingly difficult and has led to more and more panic attack type feelings (like you, it wasn’t about the flying or dying, but about the thoughts/possibilities I was imagining in my head).
In 2009 I finally sought help through a counselor. If nothing else I knew that the counseling would help me with other aspects of life and make me a more healthy person overall. I’m proud to say that I made a lot of progress in my 6 months of counseling, and I’m currently looking for a new counselor here in the Denver area where we moved this past year.
I’m not saying counseling is for you, but I am saying that if these feelings do go unaddressed they will only continue to fester and get worse. I’m glad you’re talking honestly about your fears and your anxiety…this will lead to growth and healing.
I wish you and your family all of the best, and I hope we both find peace and healing in this area of our lives. Grace and peace to you.
oh you are my sister from a different mister!!!! We are TOOOO ALIKE!!!
This post really kind of made me smile bc I struggle in the same way. Just recently, I asked my husband if he would be sure to still feed the kids nutritious food if I die. Seems silly I know, but it was on my mind at the time. Hahahaha!
Unlike you, I don’t like flying. Not at all. I didn’t like it before Sept 11 and liked it less after. I had just gotten to a point very recently where I was okay with flying. I had calmed down. I was assured that Jesus is in complete control even when I’m suspended in air above the earth. And then the Christmas day thing happened and all that work Jesus had been doing in me was shattered. I sent a text to every praying friend I have on Dec 29 when I had to fly back to Austin and was terrified. (It was so bad that my sweet father was offering to drive me back to Austin from VA). All that to say, thank you for putting yourself out there and assuring me through this post and people’s comments that I am not the only one to struggle with this. Thanks Jennie for your comment about God not taking us until He is done with us here on earth. Part of my struggle is I feel like He still has so much to accomplish through me so I found that comment very reassuring. Thanks again for that. 🙂
Hey Jamie! I was sent the link to your blog today from Evan Michner who was one of our youth group kids years ago. I’m loving skimming through your story of your beautiful family! We have a Guatemalan son (3 1/2yrs), my husband is in a band and is a worship leader, and we lead mission trips to Guate! We’re also in process for the foster/adopt program here in St. Louis.
I added you to my reader so I can celebrate along w/ you for Amos to join your forever family!