I am the person that usually loves baby dedication days at church. I will always cry tears of joy for the dear parents that are up there telling the whole world that they dedicate to raising their child in the ways of the Lord. I love to hear all the babies screaming while they are being prayed over. It's just precious. The thought of the church telling these parents that we have your back in parenting is awesome. Promising to guide them and provide resources for them to do a great job of parenting is amazing! Parents shouting to the world that we commit to teaching our kids to love God with all their heart, mind and soul. That is amazing.

Recently I have begun to despise baby dedication day. Hate it. Dread it. Not gonna do it.

The last baby dedication I attended at our church I had Fedna with me during the service. I sat there as these parents dedicated their children to the Lord and I prayed fervently for this little girl in my lap. I prayed for her parents. Begging God to draw them to a local church in the area they live in Haiti. I begged God to call her name and press his love upon her heart and soul. I begged God to bring adults into her families life that could tell them about the precious love of Jesus and all that he has to offer them.

I read today in the church bulletin that there are two more baby dedications coming up this year. My heart sank and tears threatened to overtake my eyes. I fought them back. I wasn't going to go there just over reading about the dedication. One thing I know is that I can't sit through another baby dedication without my babies here. I.CAN.NOT.DO.IT
I am starting to get a glimpse into the hearts and souls of women all over the world that are struggling with infertility. The feelings of longing for something so badly that it is all you think of, that is becoming my reality. The desire to have something so badly that you are outright mad and jealous at others around you for getting the thing that you want so badly. I think God can handle my anger. I think he knows my heart on the issue. Although there are many times that I am outright mad at God for not bringing my babies home a long time ago, there are 100 more times of complete peace about this whole situation. I could not be on this journey without Jesus in my life. Even on the hardest days I know that I have a God that loves me more than I can ever understand and has a plan for me even if it's not what I think is best. To quote the scripture that the kids had a few weeks ago, “God's ways are perfect.”

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE people having babies. I LOVE people dedicating babies. I LOVE people bringing babies home through adoption. I rejoice with each one. I have several friends who are pregnant and I am overjoyed for them. I don't want to pregnant, I just want my kids home like they are going to have theirs eventually.

A few weeks ago my friend Emily sent me something that I have read and looked over many times since then. Here is an excerpt from a Charles Spurgeon devotional that she sent me:

The trials which come from God are sent to prove and strengthen our graces, and so at once to illustrate the power of divine grace, to test the genuineness of our virtues, and to add to their energy. Our Lord in His infinite wisdom and superabundant love, sets so high a value upon His people's faith that He will not screen them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith which now supports you if the trial of your faith had not been lit unto fire. You are a tree that never would have rooted so well if the wind had not rocked you to and fro, and made you take firm hold upon the precious truths of the covenant grace. Worldly ease is a great foe to faith; it loosens the joints of holy valour, and snaps the sinews of sacred courage. The balloon never rises until the cords are cut; affliction doth this sharp service for believing souls. While the wheat sleeps comfortably in the husk it is useless to man, it must be threshed out of its resting place before its value can be known. Thus it is well that Jehovah trieth the righteous, for it causeth them to grow rich towards God.

As much as I dread baby dedications, I take comfort in the fact that through this God is making me stronger. I hold steady to the fact that his plan is perfect. I have said to Aaron many a times through this process that I don't want to get to the end of this dreadful journey and have our kids home and look back and realize that I missed out on what God was doing in my life. I don't want to go through this for nothing. I want growth to come out of this trial. I am praying that on this journey that God has me on that it will cause me to grow rich towards God.

*Picture taken by Troy Livesay at RHFH this past week.