It seems as though death keeps creeping back up in my mind.  I can handle it when an 85 year old person goes on to meet their maker.  Both of my grandpa's died in 2003 and they both lived long lives and it was okay for them to move on.  In my mind it is not okay when kids go home to be with Jesus while their parents, siblings, grandparents and friends are left here to feel the loss.  I can not seem to comprehend this in my small, human mind.

As many of you I was moved to tears many times this year while following Angie's blog over at BRING THE RAIN. She documented her journey through a pregnancy that she knew would end in the death of her baby.  She told us about her baby girl, her love for her, and the pains and joys of carrying her for 9 months only to prepare to tell her goodbye after her birth.  I shed many tears over the past few months while reading about her journey.  I found myself wondering why God had let her go through the pregnancy when he knew it would end this way.  Not fair in my little mind.

Recently my friends Matt & Rachel informed us of a tragic death in their home church.  Their pastor and his 13 year old son died in a plane crash in NC.  They went on to meet Jesus while his wife and other children are left here to move on and grief two lives that they loved dearly.  I have thought about them lots over the past week or two and can not even begin to imagine the pain his wife is facing during this time.  Not only did she loose a child, but she doesn't have her husband to grieve with and hold her and comfort her because he is gone too.  She has lost her support system, her partner, her lover, and one of her children.  Again in my mind, not fair at all.

Recently my friend Alison reminded us of her friends that I prayed for last year while they went through the unthinkable and lost their baby boy in a car accident while on vacation.  The car crashed, they all went to the hospital and they didn't bring their son home.  They got better and released and had to bury their baby boy.  Once again, in my mind, just not fair.

Then this week the unthinkable happens again and the Chapman family looses their youngest daughter in a tragic accident in their own driveway.  They now only have five children at home when 3 days ago they had 6.  Their dinner table is missing one person.  Their car is missing one car seat.  The sisters with matching dresses are missing one sister.  Today as I type this and go on with life and take my boys to a birthday party they are burying their daughter.  As I said above, NOT fair.

It never seems fair to me when parents bury children.  It is not how it is supposed to go.  I believe that we serve a good God and a God that knows what he is doing, but in times like this I question everything.  Thank goodness I always fall back on the faithfulness of God, the love of God, the hope of God and the peace of God.  Each of these families listed above have a deep faith rooted in Jesus Christ and I know that this is the ONLY way they will get on with their lives and continue in this crazy world without their loved ones.

As I was thinking about these people all week that lost children I found myself asking myself this question.  If I knew that one of my children would die as a child, would I rather not have them?  Would I want to spare myself the pain and discomfort and sorrow of loosing them?

I can honestly say that I would cherish each and every day of my children's lives for no matter how long they were with us.  Thank goodness we don't know the number of our days or our kids days, but we know that God does.  I am trying to give my kids over to him.  It is hard and there are big parts of me that don't want to trust him with them.  As stupid as that sounds, I'd rather be in charge.  I'm learning and I believe this will be a continual journey of learning, trusting and handing over.