During one of my pouting sessions while waiting on my kids to come home I happened to talk to my friend Lori. She has been so great for me during this whole process. She has 3 children that were adopted from Haiti and that is always such a comfort to talk to someone who has been there done that.
In one of our conversations she told me that when Story came home I would find myself thinking about Amos less. She didn't mean I would forget about my son, she meant I wouldn't be crying over my salad at lunch, I wouldn't cry ever time I saw a four year old little boy and I wouldn't be sitting on the couch every night crying my eyes out. I thought she was crazy and that I wouldn't even be able to be happy after Story came home. I thought I would be so sappy over Amos not being here that I would be a bad mom to my three kids that were home.
Fast forward a few weeks and here I am at home with only one of my kids from Haiti. Story's home. Amos is not. It's been 25 days and I have to admit that Lori was right. There's a part of me that hates that she was right, but there's another part of me that is glad she was right. You see I'm giving my WHOLE self and heart to Story. I thought I wouldn't be able to do that if Amos wasn't here, but I'm proving that I can. I'm trying to live in the moment of my life right now. To not live in sadness b/c Amos isn't here, but live in joy b/c Story IS here. Thanks to God I am doing it.
Tonight will be my first time to have those moments of complete sadness and yearning for my child to be home. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Amos, but honestly most of my energy & thoughts these days go to loving on THREE kids. Our home is adjusting to another person, another child and another personality. We are consumed with our family and loving every minute of it.
Today I learned that Amos lost his first tooth. I called Aaron immediately to tell him the good news and also to express my sadness in all the “firsts” that we are missing with him. I said to Aaron, “what's left?” I started to feel like every day, week, month and year that goes by we lose more and more “firsts” with our son. I mean for the love he just lost his first tooth and his momma and papa weren't there to cheer him on and talk about the tooth fairy. His first tooth is out. My son just lost his first tooth and I wasn't there. Gosh, this whole wait just sucks.
So, tonight I'm retreating to my old self. Thinking of my child in Haiti and crying and begging God to hurry this up. The difference in my thoughts and cries tonight is that my trust has increased by enormous amounts in the past few weeks. I have seen God bring my daughter home in PERFECT TIMING. I used to tell God all the time that I did not like his timing and thought he didn't know what was right. I've eaten all those words and have told God numerous times in these past 25 days that his perfect timing has blown me away. That his plan is best. That he truly does know what he's doing! Just saying that makes me smile. I'm 31, love Jesus with all my heart, soul and mind and am STILL learning that he knows what he's doing! 🙂
So, tonight as I cry over my son's first tooth coming out I am also remembering the goodness that God has shown me in the past month. The valley that we had to go through, and are still going through, was and is for a purpose. God has a purpose for Amos. He has a purpose for Amos' mommy. I'm clinging to my God through this. He is all I have.