Tomorrow starts the final day of our first two weeks at school. The question everyone wants to know is “how is Amos doing” in school. Well I'm happy to say that he is doing very well at school! He is excited to go each day and only tells me that he doesn't like it when he's being naughty at home and wants to try and make me mad. 🙂
His teacher stopped me yesterday to tell me that he is getting a lot more comfortable in the classroom and is starting to get a little rowdy in class. She said he is forgetting his personal space and touching people and not following directions all the time. I can't even explain this, but when she was telling me this my stomach dropped. You see we have NEVER had anything bad said to us about Cayden. He is that perfect, first born child that follows all the rules and would never want to do anything to get in trouble or draw attention to himself. My other three children are not that. We have known for a while that our last three children would for sure be different in school than our first child. (Now on a complete side note I worry about Cayden and his internal sin since he is the “perfect-not-make-anyone-mad-child”)
On the inside I had to remind myself that Amos has been in school for a grand total of EIGHT days and has never been in a setting like school for so many hours in one day. All of this is new to him. I mean if we are still struggling with having rules and having someone tell you what to do at home, then I would have been stupid to not think we would have this at school as well. She for sure didn't tell me that he was being bad, but just that we needed to talk to him about those things. We had a meeting that night with him and Aaron and we didn't even act like he did anything wrong, but just went over proper behavior.
Today his teacher said we need to keep talking to him about it. 🙂 We do talk about it and will talk about it. How can I help him with this? He is super behind academically, so I don't want him to miss out on teaching, but I just want him to learn to love school and learning and learn how to sit in a class and follow rules. That's all I want!
I personally need to not take it personal when his teacher talks to me about behavior stuff. I just need to talk with her about how we can work together and help him learn and become the great student that I know he's going to be! I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you are an educator and especially if you have dealt with this stuff with an elementary age child that you brought home via adoption.
Thanks my fabulous readers!
*Photo by Amy Gayhart
Have you tried a social story? You can google them, but they are well researched. I know how to write them if you want help with one!
i’m going to have to look that up. i have no idea what that is. thanks cara!
Jamie I agree with the social story!! We used them with Mabry a lot when she was first going to school. It is a great tool. It is basically just a book that includes Amos in the story and can show him the appropriate v. inappropriate ways to behave in the classroom. We can chat about it.
It is so hard not to be painted by your childrens’ paintbrush. I have a little guy (also adopted) that had the worst first year in kindergarten history. No I am not exaggerating. Here is what made things worse, punishing him for things or being disappointed (lecturing) about what he had done at school.
Here is what made things better, encouraging the teacher (a whole lot) and saying to her that he really does want to please and if she could catch him doing right, he would do it a lot more/ this was not always easy because she would get defensive and when she did I would support her again saying, “I know how hard he can be, and with 18 other kids I don’t know how you do it, you are my hero”. Keep it in perspective. I know it is SOOOOO hard. I remember wishing there was a “driveway of shame” where I could swoop in with a hood on and take away my very naughty child without being seen. Honestly it was the worst year of my life.
Now he is in 1st grade and I braced myself for the worst. You know what it hasn’t happened. He goes to a year round school so has been in since July. He has been almost perfect, he has only been in trouble one day this year.
Ally with the teacher, even if she is not likable. It is so hard, but worth it. If she feels that you are on her team, she will give him more grace. Let her know that you and Amos are somewhat new to this relationship and that it is going to take a while for you to find his currency. Plus, I mean lets face it for a lot of our kids it takes years to develop “Mother Permanence” so even if our children obey us when they are with us, as soon as we leave the room all bets are off. We are an external regulator. You will become an internal regulator and then he will be able to take your messages to school and act on them. If you ever want to call and talk, feel free. It adds such a humbling element to have your child misbehaving at school and to know that you can’t fix it (at least not in the way the teacher thinks you can).
Warmly, Melody
mjaguayo7080@earthlink.net
J is 12, almost 13, home for one year after a four year wait. He went to 5th grade last year and struggled a lot. He complained constantly that it was too hard, too much work, etc. He threw fits and acted like a kindergardener. Thankfully the school has been great with him and the other kids were pretty accepting of whatever came along. There is another child in the class with CP and an aid so the kids were used to things out of the ordinary. This year J is in 6th, has one of the top math grades in his class and is doing better with behavior and attitude. Woot!
Amy
Jamie,
My name is Jeff McWhorter, and my wife (Kelly) and I attended the Austin Stone before moving to San Antonio in June. Kelly reads your blog often and is very blessed by it. She read me this post and I wanted to leave you an encouragement. We don’t have any children of our own, but I am the director of an elementary after-school program here in SA and have been working with kids in an educational environment for a while now. I want you to know how important and wonderful it is that you and Aaron are sitting down with Amos at night and talking to him about school-day behavior expectations. It seems I have at least one conversation a day with a parent about their child’s disobedient behavior, and I only wish these students had parents at home that would take their behavior seriously and address it as such. Keep talking to him. He will see your love for him in that, and surely his behavior will change at school.
Hmmmm…this is a hard one. It’s something that we’ve struggled with also. It is so hard not to take things personally. When we were looking to adopt from foster care, I was assuming we would get an AA child because there is a way higher percentage of AA children in foster care. When we found out our son was Caucasian, I had to rethink the dreams that I had in my head. I also had to realize that hardly anyone would know that he was adopted! Most people would just think his crazy, sometimes naughty behavior was my fault. I always like to say that Joshua keeps me humble. Very humble. He came home to us at age 7 and turns 9 on Wednesday. It’s been super small baby steps for him. I’ve found that being proactive with the team at school works far better than being reactive.
I also agree with the Social Stories suggestion.
We also try to keep school pretty separate from home for him. School is so hard for him. It’s hard for him to stay focused that long. Hard for him to learn. Hard for him to relate to others. The last thing I want is for home to be hard for him. I want our home to be a haven of love and support.
Is it possible to stir up some compassion from the teacher? He’s only been home 7-8 months. When all else fails I always try to look at it from the eyes of the child.
I can relate to so much of this, especially the stomach-drop! Oh yes. So hard for me. There have been times when I’ve overheard a teacher talking to another parents and thought, “Oh thank goodness it’s not my kid today!”
And this:
“forgetting his personal space and touching people and not following directions all the time”
This pretty much describes every parent-teacher conference I’ve ever had about Jafta. It’s so hard. For Jafta it is sensory-seeking, but for Amos it could just be that he is still adjusting to different social norms. I think the social story is great, and also really watching him in different settings. With Jafta we came up with a “sign” so that I could point out when he was violating the space of others without embarrassing him in from of his friends. I would just look at him and do the gesture, and he would get it. Also, though, I’ve kind of let some of it go. Jafta has a few friends that are very physical like he is, and it works for them. I figure that a negative reaction from the peers who don’t like it will be worth more than a thousand lectures I could give on personal space!
Jamie, My first reaction was not that of an educator, but that of someone who cares very deeply for Amos, even though I’ve never met him. Of course he’s having trouble he’s new to the US, he’s new to you guys, he’s new to school. He’s only on day 8. I do not know the teacher, but the fact that she let you into the classroom to transition him says something to me about who she is and what she believes as an educator. As teachers who have to manage a classroom full of 5 year olds sometimes we forget to look at the bigger picture of that child, even if we believe with our entire being that that is what we should be doing. So I would say, continue to have open communication with the teacher. And continue to talk with Amos about appropriate school behavior. And I am a huge fan of social stories so try it and see if it works. I also think that his peers will chime in and tell him if he is bothering them and I feel like that’s a great learning moment for him as well. I just wanted to basically say it would be easy to get defensive and vilify the teacher, my heart wanted to do that immediately because I care about you guys so much, but from the teacher perspective there are many reasons she can be trying to nip this behavior in the bud right away. If we don’t attempt to correct certain behaviors right away at the beginning of the year then they can spiral out of control by mid year. So we have to find the place where we are firm but loving so the students in our care know the rules and follow them so everyone can learn. Sometimes though, we focus too much on that. So yeah, keep talking to Amos and keep talking to the teacher. I would emphasize talking to the teacher if you continue to feel she isn’t giving him enough time to adjust etc. That’s important for her to know and think about and something she may lose sight of simply because she has a ton of other things on her plate.
Oh, I also wanted to say that I appreciate the parent perspective because I think it’s easy for me to think about what needs to be changed and I forget to think about how the parent is receiving the information. So I thank you for that. 🙂
Our son (home from Haiti at age 1.5, now age 7/first grade) is very hyperactive and sensory-seeking, yet very high academically. We’ve had the “in other people’s faces and spaces” issue, and the “can’t sit still issue” as well. His occupational therapist just did a program with his called “Super-Flex” which was awesome. It had books and characters that taught the unspoken social skills. Super-Flex is a superhero that knows how to be flexible and match his behavior to the situation. He has to defeat the team of “Unthinkables” such as “Space-invader” (in other’s space), or “Energy Harry” (hyper), or “Rock Brain” (can’t break out of thought pattern) for example. Our son got to wear a cape at OT while doing this program, which I think was what made it work:) Anyway, we can now say “hey, space invader” and he’ll know we mean “keep your hands to yourself”, etc. Its given us some tools and code-words so we don’t feel as nagging.
But, Amos is young, and hasn’t been home very long at all, so time and patience will really be what probably will help the most.
And remember (something I struggle with often) that your child’s behavior, good or bad, does not necessarily define you as a parent. Our kids are their own people — we can guide them but not make their choices for them.
Have you tried role playing with Amos? You can take turns being the teacher and the student, then play out situations that happen at school. Like when it’s time to sit quietly in your chair. When Amos is the teacher during role playing, you can be the student. You can act inappropriately and see how he corrects you. Then you can act appropriately and see if he praises you.
It could also give you some insight into how he see’s the teacher’s role in the classroom.
Jamie, my daughter Brooke started full time Pre-K here about two weeks ago. What I have done and am doing to try to make this transition easier for her is I found a section of books at Barnes and Nobles since she loves to be read to, about behavior. Whether it is about how to act during worship services, school functions, class room settings, etc. Anytime we have had an issue with her I find some sort of a book to reiterate what we’ve been telling her about. Her current favorite is a Berenstein Bears book all about re-learning manners.
You are a great, very attentive parent. We are just trying to make sure to tell her what she has done wrong and follow it with sometime positive like a fun book about how to act right.
Good luck. And still love your blog!
I have the same kind of child (Brianna described my kid perfectly). We have had him since birth! We just finished our first two weeks of school and we have not had one day that didn’t involve me having to come up to the school (even though the school is working really well with him). I had an ideal older child too… so it is a huge adjustment.
Just know that if you need an IEP be sure to do it. It just helps everyone know how to deal with him the best. This behavior isn’t the end of the world and working with him will help it get better (even for the kids that are the worst of the worst). I actually write a newspaper column about adoption/special needs kids (I have four kids, two adoped, three with special needs–beside the adjustment needs from adoption…). This issue is the one that I get the most questions about. Lots of mammas are in our situation.
Feel free to contact me if you want to chat about it. I have a million things that both you and your teacher can do that can help (we have had him in therapy for a few years… and he still struggles but is MUCH BETTER).
Good luck!