I can't sleep. I've been in bed since 11 and not much sleep has happened. It is 2 am and I'm tossing and turning all night long. I have adoption sleep disorder. Catchy name, uh? I just named it that. It is a disorder taking over hundreds of homes at any given night. Your brain will not turn off. There is nothing that you can do. It keeps going and going and going. You see images of your children. You see your paperwork moving from one office to the next. You imagine the worst case scenario of your paperwork getting denied. You imagine the emails you'll receive about your progress. At one point I think Barb is talking to me. Now I'm not only experiencing adoption sleep disorder I'm now fallen victim of adoption hallucinations. I now think I'm seeing my kids. I keep hearing Lori's voice from IN telling me that Barb is working on this and that for me. Then I open my eyes and I'm still in my bed next to Aaron who is very oblivious to my tossing and turning.
When I can't sleep I don't want anyone to sleep. I have woken him up a few times to tell him I can't sleep only to get a grunt and half hug with one arm slung over my body as if to say I'm sorry, but not really. This makes me furious. Livid mad. Furious. Not furious that he doesn't talk to me mind you, but yet very furious that he can sleep. I want what he has. The ability to shut it off at night.
So, if you are ever up at night experiencing either of these strange phenomenon's know that you are not alone. We have all been there and done that. I remember when I was pregnant and I couldn't sleep towards the end of my pregnancy for a number of reasons, but mainly because I was so large and in charge that my body was down right uncomfortable. The same scenario went down those nights as Aaron would grunt while I would beg for mercy from him for my disorder. Even though this disorder was mainly brought on by my obscene love obsession with Sonic tater tots with cheese during my pregnancy I hated it too. The fact that he could sleep when I could not. Furious. Livid. Furious. But I think those sleepless nights prepared me for the real sleepless nights that occur when a newborn comes home. Maybe these sleepless nights over the next months, years (oh how I hate to see that ‘s' at the end of year) will be preparing me for something too.
Until then … I will do the same. Try to clear my mind and walk back upstairs get back in bed next to my very sleepy hubby and try once again to unwind. To let it go. I will begin to pray and ask God to take my thoughts and make them his. I will beg him to keep my kids safe and get them home quickly. I will beg of him to mold me during this journey and bring me to the other side of it changed and more like Him. I will also beg him for strength tomorrow when the alarm goes off in about 3.5 hours! Gulp!
Good night …. I hope.
Oh man can I relate? It is 4am and I am reading this!! I agree it is hard to get any good sleep when your child is on the other side of the world! and those thoughts pop into my head as wel about the worst case scenario although I have been too scared to say it out loud! I am praying for your family and can not wait to see amos and story join all of you here in america. It is such a weird feeling to have your family split down the middle on two sides of the world!
I feel like you just emptied my brain onto your blog. I haven’t slept a good night sleep in about a year now. It’s very hard to rest knowing that there are babies out there that are yours and they’re not home with you. I have to make a conscience effort to surrender control to God most nights. That is the only time I can finally rest–when I am trusting that He is keeping my babies warm, fed and loved. Some nights it’s easy to give this over to Him. Other nights I fight this surrender all night & the morning comes before I’ve gotten any sleep. You’re right though–it is the best time to pray for them. It is quiet, there are no kids pulling you every which way. No one needs you at that moment except those sweet babies that are waiting for us. In a way, I think we’re blessed to be the ones not sleeping (Matt sleeps fine too 🙂 As a Mom I just think it’s kind of different, don’t you? Matt loves & worries in other ways, but this is my way to love them! Thanks for this post!!
you’re such a fantastic mother. i hate that you couldn’t sleep last night! just wake me up! (haha, i know how impossible that is…)
Well, I was awake thinking about your babies too!! I was in bed at 11:00 and Jared told me you had said that I needed to check my email first thing in the morning and it was about Amos and Story. I couldn’t stay in bed. I had to check it. When I saw that you needed another a letter, I couldn’t go back to bed without getting it typed up. So…last time I looked at the clock it was 1:49! I know I did’nt have to do it last night, but I couldn’t stand waiting. I think I have what was it? Adoption related insomnia? Anyway, I’m stressing wanting to get those two home also! Love you and will be praying for peace for you, especially at night 🙂
I hope that you get a nap today!
I do not know what you are experiencing, but I have great compassion for you. However, I do know how hard it can be to let children go when God calls them far away. Two of my four are states away from me. Though not in another country, far away enough for my heart. I will be praying this for you……and for them, too. love you.
“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
This disorder must be contagious … I was hit by it last night, too!
Yep… I’ve got the same disorder!
It’s nice to know that there are others going through the exact same thing! Misery, does indeed, love company:)
yesssssss in Argentina that disorder excistes too!!!!!