Okay so i haven't been blogging like i wanted to …. but have no fear aaron is a blogging machine. his thoughts are great and i want to send you all there to hear about the trip.
We're a bit sad tonight b/c in the morning we meet Eve and Frank at the bridge in Cabaret to hand the kids over. I don't want to think about it or imagine saying good bye, but we must and we will.
I think i'll have more thoughts on this week when i get home. One thing i do know is that this trip has been one of the hardest of my life. i feel disconnected from aaron. i feel as though we haven't been alone at all this whole trip. i feel like we haven't had discussions about haiti much. i feel as though i haven't connected with everyone on the team b/c i've been consumed with my kids. it has been much harder than i ever imagined to be here on a “mission” trip and be parents to two children we don't know very well. I feel as though i haven't don't much with the team. i haven't loved on enough haitian kids. i have been a mom for the most part. I have loved it, but it has been hard. i won't lie. great but hard. hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like a bad person.
i don't even want to think about dropping the kids off tomorrow. makes my stomach hurt. today at the feeding center which i talk about more when i get home i teared up just thinking of my kids being there. if we weren't adopting them, maybe they would. that will mess with your brain.
amos has come up to me many times and called me “mama” without me prompting. that makes me love him so much. it makes my heart swell with pride for my new son.
okay my thoughts are random. i need to get home to process. i can't seem to process them now. i know one thing … i love my two kids. I love haiti. i love the livesay's. i love love love love love my kids. pray they'll remember me next time.
off to LOST party!!!!
I’ll never forget how I fell in love with my husband all over again in Haiti. We went on our first trip to meet Brooke in July 2003, she was 6 months old. We spent four short days with her. We sat on the steps of an old building at the Baptist Mission and he turned to me and said “this is the best thing I’ve done in my life, coming here to adopt Brooke.” He’d been disconnected with the process until those days in Haiti.
Then the goodbyes at the orphanage the day we left, they were excruciating. He didn’t stop crying until we were on the plane taking off. We held each other and cried at the airport for a long time while we waited to take off. He became a Daddy over those days and his heart was breaking saying goodbye to her and not knowing when he’d see her again. I love when men turn to mush…it’s sexier than they even know.
The goodbyes are the hardest…and they never get easier through the process. 🙁
None of that is weird and it doesn’t sound bad, either. That’s a hard position to be in. . .don’t worry, I know God has used you just as He planned this week. Whether that was in the lives of little Hatian children you’ll not see again or in the lives of your precious ones, either way, He used you to speak His truth and to love on His precious children!
I will pray for you tomorrow and spread the word among my adoption friends, many of whom have experienced the heartache of leaving their children behind. God reamins in Haiti hugging your little ones with the same arms that will hug you all the way back to the US.
I will certainly be thinking of you and praying for you as you drop the kids off tomorrow. That is such a hard thing.
My heart is breaking at the thought of what your tomorrow will look like.
2 Timothy 3:14
You however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them.
As I read your blog it was clear you have learned and become convinced that these are your precious children. What a blessing. I pray that as you wait for your adoption to be complete you can cling to the knowledge that God is in every bit of the process.
hey since i cant call you HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry, Jamie. I have and will continue to lift you, Aaron, Amos and Story in prayer. I know tomorrow will be hard and I am sorry that so many parts of adoption are this difficult. Walking through the fire and being tested, I believe, just makes that family bond all that much stronger…..it is not easy.
I will be thinking of you all tomorrow…God’s Blessings poured down on all of your group,
Oh wow. Parenting two kids is hard. Mission trips are hard. HAITI IS HARD. Doing all of that together . . . I’m sure you would feel conflicted. It sounds like you prioritized your kids which is exactly what you should have done. Surrender the other stuff!
Sounds like you visited the orphanage where our son Keanan (Kembert) lives. We will be there next week and I can’t wait.
I will pray for you as you say your goodbyes to Amos and Story. There is no sorrow like leaving your children. I hope God gives you unfathomable peace.
You are not a bad person. I felt the same way when we went to Brazil two years ago. I was pregnant and we took Kyler with us. I came back not feeling any different than when I left (except for the morning sickness). It wasn’t until about 9 months later that it sunk in and I realized that God was starting to call me to South America. Don’t worry. It’s just a different type of mission trip. Everyone else is there to love on children and help the Livesay’s…you are there to develop a deeper bond with your children…that is your mission. Love you!
I will be praying for God’s grace to be all over you tomorrow as you say goodbye – temporarily – to your babies. Also, I have been on several mission trips with my hubby and I never leave feeling closer to him. (Proud of, but not closer to.) Circumstances are ripe for personal growth, but not really for marriage enrichment. At least not for us. There’s too much responsibility and not enough alone time.
oh sweet friend … i will be praying for your heart … i will pray for aaron … i will pray for amos and story … i will pray for clarity from the Lord as you sort out so much in your mind, heart, and soul … you are loved so much and are not alone in the journey … adoption is so hard because it gives us so much !!!!
Being with my kids in Haiti has never seemed like a reality until this trip of yours, following your steps and reading yours and Aaron’s blogs … I have been wishful of experiencing it as you have, until now … I can’t and don’t want to imagine this part of saying goodbye. I will be praying for you!
Sending you prayers. How wonderful it will be for Amos and Story when they are older to have the story of how you were there to love them before you were able to bring them home. You did not have to make this trip you did this out of love for them. That is incredible, you are incerdible. You are already their momma, and they already feel that love and bond. This is all Gods plan, you may not feel like you have done much, but I am sure you have created a bond that will help when you bring them to their forever home. This was my verse of the day, just seems to fit. Love ya.
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I love you. Wish I could comfort you in some way, but am asking the God of all comfort to tend to your heart today as you leave your beloved two. You are such a gift, not only to your precious family, but to those of us who love you. thank you.
My husband and I felt the disconnect when we were in Ghana last month. We made time at the very end (for only an hour or so) to really reconnect before entering back into the states. I treasure that time because it was so REAL and deep. I can’t imagine stuggling with that, mission work and your kids. I will be praying that you have a peace about God taking care of Story and Amos. He loves and cares for them as much as He loves and cares for you. Knowing that and actually believing that in your heart are two different things. I pray a peace over you and aaron as you leave your kids– a peace that you might not understand but a peace that God has all of this worked out.
They’ll remember…God is love and love never forgets. Leslie